Dramatic  Works  of  Harry  &  Edward  Paulton 


•4.A.A    A.  A    A  A,    A 


No.1. 


riOBE, 
All  Smiles. 

FARCICAL     COMEDY     IN     THREE     ACTS, 


BY 


fiarrp  and  €du>ar<!  Paulton. 


PRICE  ONE  SHILLING  AND   SIXPENCE, 


Amateur  Fee  for  each   representation   of  this    Play 

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amuel   French,  Limited,  26,  Southampton-street, 
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PUBLISHERS, 

SOUTHAMPTON  ST., 
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•v  YORK: 
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I^XST,   POST 


NIOBE, 

ALL  SMILES 


&  farcical  Comefcp  in 


BY 


HARRY  AND  EDWARD  PAULTON 


COPYRIGHT,  1904,  BY  T.  H.  FRENCH. 


NEW  YORK  : 
SAMUEL  FRENCH, 

PUBLISHER, 

24,  WEST  22ND  STREET. 


LONDON : 
SAMUEL  FRENCH  LTD., 

PUBLISHERS, 

26,  SOUTHAMPTON  ST., 
STRAND. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 

Prince  of  Wales  Theatre,          Strand  Theatre, 
Liverpool,  1st  Sept.,  London,  IGth  April, 

1800.  1802. 

PETER  AMOS  DUNN,        MR.  HARRY  PAULTON,        MR.  HARRY  PAULTON, 

in  Life  Assurance  (President  of  the  Universal  Insurance  Co.). 
CORNELIUS  GRIFFIN,  MR.  E.  T.  STEYNE,  MR.  FORBES  DAWSON, 

in  Love  with  Himself  (Peter's  Wife's  Brother.) 
PHILIP  INNINGS,          MR.  MERVYN  HEREPATH,          MR.  HERBERT  Ross, 

in  Corney's  Hands  (Corney's  Friend). 
HAMILTON  TOMPKINS,        MR.  HENRY  S.  DACRE,       MR.  GEO.  HAWTREY, 

in  the  Clouds  (an  Art  Enthusiast,  a  Millionaire). 
PARKER  SILLOCKS,        MR.  CHARLES  RANDOLPH,       MR.  A.  C.  MACKENZIE, 

in  Retirement  (a  Merchant). 
CAROLINE  DUNN,      Miss  CONSTANCE  NATHALIE,      Miss  INA  GOLDSMITH, 

in-dispensable  (Peter's  Wife). 
HELEN  GRIFFIN,       Miss  HELEN  PALGRAVE,       Miss  CARLOTTA  ZERBINI, 

in  Authority  (Caroline's  Eldest  Sister). 
HATTIE  GRIFFIN,          Miss  VIOLET  LOFTING,        Miss  GEORGIE  ESMOND, 

in  Open  Rebellion  (Caroline's  Youngest  Sister). 
BEATRICE  SILLOCKS,          Miss  MARIAN  DENVIL,         Miss  ELEANOR  MA", 

in  Love  with  Corney  (Peter's  Daughter). 
MARY,  Miss  DENT,  Miss  VENIE  BENNETT, 

in  Service  (Parlor  Maid). 
MADELEINE  MIFTON,     Miss  ALICE  DRUMMOND,     Miss  ISABEL  ELLISSEN, 

in  the  Way  (New  Jersey  Governess). 
NIOBE,  Miss  JENNY  BEAUVILLE,  Miss  BEATRICE  LAMB, 

in  the  Flesh  (Widow  of  the  late  Amphion,  King  of  Thebes,a  Statue.) 


ACT  I.— Dunn's  Drawing  Room.    Looking  to  the  North.     (7.15  p.m.) 
In  the  Absence  of  the  Family. 

ACT  II.— Same.     Looking  to  the  South.     In    the   Presence    of    the 
Family. 

ACT  III.    Same.    Looking  to  West.    Afternoon  of  the  Same  Day. 
Time.— Present.    Location.— London. 


PR 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES 


ACT    I. 

SCENE. — DUNN'S  drawing-room.  At  the  L.  of  front  cor- 
ner, a  large  bay  window  on  to  the  street;  L.  c.  an 
arched  opening  with  portiere  to  stairs  and  entrance 
liall;  R.  door  to  dining-room.  On  the  R.  of  entrance 
a  four-fold  screen  like  a  box  case,  surrounding  Statue 
of  Niobe,  in  which  is  a  Vampire  opening  at  bacJc. 
An  opening  also  in  Flat  behind  .screen.  One  fold  of 
screen  opens  to  L.  of  stage  towards  centre  opening. 
Two  folds  open  to  R.  Small  castors  on  the  bottom  of 
opening  folds.  Piano  R.  below  door;  couch  in  front 
of  it;  table  L.  c. ;  chairs  R.  and  L.  of  it;  piano  stool, 
foot  stool,  chairs,  etc. 

At  r,ise  of  curtain,  HATTIE  R.  at  piano;  HELEN  standing 
c.,  beating  time  to  HATTIE'S  playing  "  The  Maiden's 
Prayer"  for  opening  of  act;  CARRIE  seated  L.  of  table 
L.  c. ;  BEATRICE  seated  R.  of  table,  discovered  examin- 
ing album,  sketches,  etc.;  after  curtain  is  up.  MARY 
enters  from  R.  with  three  small  cups  and  saucers  on 
tray;  HELEN  up  c.,  takes  one,  drinks,  MARY  offers 
other  cups  to  CARRIE  and  BEATRICE;  CARRIE  offers  one 
to  BEATRICE. 
BEA.  (with  album)  Who  in  the  name  of  goodness 

is  that  dreadful  looking  guy? 

CAR.     That  is  Mr.  Dunn  when  he  was  a  boy. 
BEA.     Your  husband!   oh! 

MARY  after  offering  coffee  to  BEATRICE  passes  front  of 
table  to  L.,  giving  coffee  to  CARRIE. 

CAR.     Are  you  quite  sure  you  won't  take  coffee? 
BEA.     Quite  sure! 

After  this  MARY  going  up  L.  to  exit  c. 

757160 


4  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

HEL.     (up  c.,  sternly)     Mary,  the  fire! 

MARY  goes  to  fireplace  L.,   puts   tray  on   chair;   MARY 
poking  the  fire — HELEN  eyes  MARY  severely. 

HAT.  (at  piano  R.,  finishes  playing)  Oh,  Helen! 
That's  twice  this  evening  I've  played  the  "  Maiden's 
Prayer." 

HEL.  (up  c. ;  turn'ng  to  HATTIE  fiercely)  You  will 
play  the  "  Maiden's  Prayer  "  twice  morning  and  evening 
until  you  are  perfect. 

HELEN  turns  from  HATTIE  and  drinks  coffee. 

HAT.  (impertinently)  Ugh.!  I'd  like  to  catch  you 
saying  your  maiden  prayers  twice  morning  and  even- 
ing. 

HATTIE  turns — resumes  playing. 

MARY,     (advancing  c.  to  HELEN,  tray  in  hand)     What 
time  shall  I  order  the  carriage  round? 
HEL.     Seven  fifty. 

HELEX  returns  cup  to  MARY — MARY  exits  c.  and  R.  at 
back. 

We  shall  be  at  the  Theatre  then  before  the  Curtain 
goes  up. 

HELEN  advances  R.  c..  severely  watches  HATTIE  play — 
with  glasses  on. 

HAT.  Well,  you  oughtn't  to  do  it.  You'll  lose  caste  if 
you  get  to  your  seats  without  disturbing  the  per- 
formance. 

HATTIE  playing  softly  while   she   talks. 

HEL.  (advancing  to  BEATRICE,  L.  c.)  Beatrice,  you 
are  well  posted  on  Theatrical  matters;  is  the  play  we  are 
going  to  see  to-night  strictly  proper? 

BEA.  I  know  nothing  to  the  contrary,  (closing 
album.) 

HATTIE  plays  ff. 

HEL.  (very  angrily)  Hattie!  Take  your  foot  off 
the  loud  pedal;  we  can't  hear  ourselves  speaking. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  5 

HATTIE  shuts  up  piano  petulantly:  pouting  as  sits  on 
couch,  back  to  audience. 

CAR.  (rising)  I  was  sorry  Mr.  Sillocks  couldn't 
come  to  dinner. 

CARRIE  goes  to  window  doicn  L.,  looks  out. 

BEA.  Papa  regretted  it  very  much,  but  he  is  sure  to 
be  here  to  escort  us.  (crosses  R.  to  couch  and  sits.) 

CAR.  I'm  glad  of  that,  because  Corney  is  never  satis- 
factory as  a  Chaperon. 

BEA.     Oh,  Carrie,  I'm  sure  Corney  is  most  attentive. 

HEL.  (L.  c. )  If  you  were  his  sister,  you  would  not 
think  so.  He  neglects  us  shamefully. 

HAT.  (R.)  Quite  right,  too!  It's  a  pity  if  a  fellow 
can't  stick  to  the  girl  he's  spooning,  (sitting  K.  and 
laughingly  hugging  BEA.) 

HEL.  Hattie!  You  are  a  very  slangy  child.  Such 
terms  are  most  improper. 

HAT.  Corney  uses  them,  and  I  don't  know  any  better 
way  of  saying  it.  (crosses  to  c.) 

HEL.  Could  you  not  say  adhere  to  the  lady  he's  en- 
gaged to? 

HATTIE  crosses  back  to  sofa. 

BEA.  We  can  hardly  consider  ourselves  engaged, 
while  Corney  is,  so  to  speak,  on  trial.  If  Papa  approves 
of  him,  of  course  we  shall  be  married. 

Bus.;   HATTIE   and   BEATRICE   quietly   congratulate   each 
other. 

HEL.  I'm  sorry  I  cannot  live  with  you  and  manage 
the  household,  but  Carrie  could  not  get  along  without 
me.  She  has  no  talent  for  management  and  Peter  is 
too  engrossed  with  outside  business. 

HAT.  (laughingly)  If  you'd  watched  him  at  dinner, 
you'd  think  he  did  not  neglect  his  inside  business. 

CARRIE  and  BEATRICE  laugh. 

HEL.  (sternly)  I  can  see  nothing  humorous  in  that 
ribald  remark. 

CAR.  (L.)  A  man  of  Peter's  excitable  temperament 
has  enough  worry  abroad,  he  deserves  to  enjoy  himself 
.at  home. 


6  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CARRIE   goes   up   L.    to   fireplace,   puts   cup    on   mantel- 
piece, as  if  looking  for  something. 

HEL.  But  he  brings  his  worries  home  with  him.  I'm 
sure  we  didn't  want  that  troublesome  Statue  in  the 
house,  though  Mr.  Tompkins  does  think  it  the  greatest 
treasure  on  earth.  He  calls  it  Niobe  Lachrymans,  — 
whatever  that  means. 

BEA.     Why  did  Mr.  Dunn  bring  it  home?     (knock  and 


MABY  crosses  at  back  from  B.  to  L. 

HEL.  For  safety  he  says;  it  is  insured  in  the  Uni- 
versal, of  which  Mr.  Dunn  is  Manager,  for  quite  a  large 
sum,  and  as  Mr.  Dunn  granted  the  policy  on  his  own  re- 
sponsibility, he  is  anxious  to  guard  the  Statue  from  in- 
jury. 

BEA.     (curiously)     I  should  like  to  look  at  it. 

BEATRICE  rises,  going  up  towards  screen. 

HEL.  (interrupts  her)  Not  while  Hattie  is  in  the 
room. 

HAT.  (on  couch  E.)  Oh!  I've  seen  it,  and  why  not! 
It's  decent  enough.  She  only  shows  a  bit  of  her  shoul- 
der; it's  nothing  to  the  display  at  Society  balls. 

HEL.  Hattie!  The  child  is  incorrigible.  (goes  up 
B.  c.) 

CAR.  (at  fireplace  up  L.)  Where  are  the  Opera 
glasses? 

HAT.  Better  ask  Corney.  He  was  at  the  Alhambra.. 
last  evening. 

BEATRICE  at  piano,  looking  at  music. 
HEL.      (turns)      Oh,  you  dreadful  girl!      (door  slams 

Off  L.    U.   E.) 

MARY.     (L.  c.)     They're  in  the  drawing  room,  Sir! 

SILLOCKS  enters  L.  c.  ;   MARY  crosses  L.  to  B.,  always  in 
front  of  stairs. 

SILL,  (c.)  Good  evening!  Here  we  are!  7:30  to  the 
tick!  How's  Dunn? 

CAR.  (at  fireplace  L.)  My  husband  is  very  well, 
thank  you! 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  7 

SILL.  How  are  you?  (to  HELEN,  coming  down  c.) 
Hello,  Bea.  (to  BEATRICE)  Ah!  Hattie!  (HATTIE  crosses 
to  SILLOCKS,  c.,  who  takes  off  overcoat.)  and  the  babies, 
my  little  cherubs,  Bertie  and  Maud. 

HEL.  (crossing  at  back  to  fireplace)  They  are  in  the 
nursery;  we  don't  allow  them  in  the  drawing-room. 

CAR.  (down  L.  of  L.  c.  table)  They  ought  to  be  in 
bed;  it  is  past  their  hour. 

BEATRICE  crosses  at  back  to  fireplace. 

SILL.    Very  early,  isn't  it?  even  for  infants? 

HEL.  Judging  from  results,  no!  Look  what  a  healthy 
child  Hattie  is.  Few  girls  have  so  fresh  a  complexion. 

HAT.  Unless  they  get  it  at  the  Chemist's.  (SILLOCKS 
laughs.) 

BEATRICE  goes  up  L.  to  fireplace;  HATTIE  puts  on  SIL- 
LOCKS' hat,  goes  up  stage  c.  at  back;  places  coat  and 
hat  on  rack  in  halhvay;  SILLOCKS  sits  B.  of  table. 

DUNN,  (without  R.)  No!  No!  Everything  is  com- 
parative; smoking  is  bad,  but  chewing  is  a  precious 
sight  worse;  and  have  you  reached  the  limit  of  compara- 
tive noxiousness  then?  No,  sir;  no!  (DUNN  enters  with 

CORNEY     R.     D.        CORNEY     CrOSSCS     to     BEATRICE     L. )         Hallo, 

Sillocks!     Did  you  notice  how  Nitrates  were  at  closing? 

SILL,  (coming  down  front  in  centre  to  DUNN)  92 ys, 
a  point  and  a  quarter  rise.  You're  not  interested  in  that 
Electric  Light  Consolidation  scheme,  are  you? 

DUNN.  (R.  c.)  No!  There's  no  money  in  it. — Well!! 
That's  my  opinion. 

SILL.     Aren't  you  coming  with  us  to  the  Theatre? 

DUNN.     I?    Oh  no! 

SILL.     Why  not? 

DUNN.  Not  asked.  Never  intrude  where  I'm  not 
wanted. 

SILL.     But  your  wife 

DUNN.  Well,  my  wife They  did  ask  me  to  go 

once  or  twice;  but  owing  to  some  business,  I  couldn't 
accept;  now,  I  never  get  the  chance  of  refusing. 

SILLOCKS  goes  and  sits  R.  of  table,  opens  album;  DUNN 
up  c.,  looking  at  his  paper. 

HEL.  (back  of  table)  Peter,  if  you  wish  to  see  the 
children  while  we  are  away,  go  up  to  them  in  the  nur- 
sery. Carrie  does  not  approve  of  their  coming  into  the 
drawing-room. 


g  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CORN,  (advancing  slightly  down  L.)  Quite  right! 
Children  up  to  a  certain  age  should  be  kept  in  a  room  as 
devoid  of  furniture  as  possible;  the  only  way  to  keep 
them  out  of  mischief,  is  to  chain  them  up  to  a  ring  in 
the  wall — 

BEA.     What  horrible  notions  you  have  Corney! 

Leaving  CORNEY,  she  goes  up  and  crosses  at  lack  to  R. 

SILL,  (looking  at  album)  Hallo,  legs!  (HELEN 
turns  quickly,  comes  down  to  back  of  table)  You've  got 
some  choice  specimens  of  the  Ballet  here,  I  see! 

HAT.  (starting  for  table  from  R.  corner)  Where? 
Let's  have  a  look  at  them. 

HEL.  (commandingly)  Stand  back,  Hattie!  I  must 
know  before  we  proceed  any  further,  how  this  indeli- 
cate picture  happens  to  be  placed  by  the  side  of  mine, 
in  the  album? 

HATTIE  goes  to  BEATRICE  up  R.,  laughing. 

CORN,  (down  L.,  aside)  Hang  it!  I  shall  be  ruined 
with  Beatrice  if  Sillocks  suspects  me. 

HEL.     Corney! 

CORN,     (alarmed)     Yes! 

HEL.     Do  you  know  anything  of  this? 

CORN.     Why  yes!     Peter  put  'em  there! 

DUNN,     (down  c.)     What!     I  put  them  there? 

CORN,  (crosses  to  DUNN  c. )  Yes,  of  course,  now — 
what's  the  good  of  denying  it,  old  man?  (aside,  digging 
DUNN'S  ribs  as  he  gets  R.  of  him)  Say  yes,  or  Sillocks 
Avon't  approve  of  me. 

CAR.  (advances  slightly  L.)  Is  that  true  Peter?  Did 
you  put  them  there? 

DUNN,  (perplexed)  Well — (CORNEY  looks  at  him) 
Yes — I  suppose  I  must  have  done. 

CORN,  (over  DUNN'S  shoulder)  Thanks — one  extra 
lie  can't  press  much  on  your  conscience. 

CORNEY  turns  to  BEATRICE,  iclio  is  R.  c. 

BEA.     I'm  so  glad  it  wasn't  you,  Corney. 

CORN.  So  am  I.  Don't  make  such  a  fuss  about  it, 
Helen,  there's  no  great  crime  in  having  photos  of  pretty 
girls. 

BEATRICE  and  CORNEY  go  up  towards  dining-room  R.  H. 
HEL.     (at  back  of  table,  with  a  withering  glance  at 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  9 

Duxx)  Then  we  may  fairly  assume  that  those  yellow- 
backed  French  novels  I  found  in  the  study,  are  yours 
also? 

Duxx.     (turning  c.)     Mine!!      Look  here,   Helen 

CORN,  (turns  quickly,  coming  back  to  c.)  Helen! 
You're  too  prying  by  half!  Peter  never  imagined  for  a 
moment  that  you'd  rake  them  out. 

Duxx  looks  at  CORXEY  inquiringly. 

HAT.  (R.)  Oh,  Helen;  they're  not  so  very  dread- 
ful! At  least,  the  one  I  read  wasn't. 

HEL.     What!     Oh,  Carrie!     What  are  we  to  do? 

CORX.  There's  not  so  much  harm  in  these  French 
books  after  all.  They're  very  much  over-rated — I  mean, 
exaggerated. 

Drxx.  I  suppose  Dobbin  sent  them  up  in  a  mistake 
for  a  bundle  of  circulars,  (aside  to  CORXEY.  with  paper, 
his  back  to  audience)  What  is  it?  What's  the  idea? 

CORX.  Old  Sillocks!  Must  stand  well  with  the  father. 
It's  all  right,  you  can  bear  it.  I  cannot  stand  wrong 

BEA.     Corney! 

CORX.     Oh,  excuse  me,  Bea. 

Joins  BEATRICE  and  exits  with  her  in  earnest  conversa- 
tion R.  u.  E.,  after  pushing  HATTIE  out  of  the  icay. 

HEL.  It  is  fortunate  the  servants  are  ignorant  of 
French;  it  is  a  blessing  they  cannot  realize  the  enormity 
of  your  offence. 

Duxx  goes  to  couch,  sitting. 

Duxx.  (c.)  I'm  as  bad  as  the  servants — Neither 
can  I. 

CAR.  (crossing  to  Duxx,  sits  L.  of  him)  It  is  fortu- 
nate we  detected  them  before  the  new  Governess  ar- 
rived. 

Duxx.  Yes;  it  wouldn't  do  to  throw  temptation  in 
her  way. 

HAT.     (R.  of  couch)     WThen  is  she  coming,  Peter? 

Duxx.  I  can't  tell  you  that.  She  has  started — I  be- 
lieve, but  has  found  it  agreeable  to  call  on  some  friends 
at  Leamington. 

CAR.     Then  she  may  not  be  here  for  a  day  or  two. 

Duxx.  It  looks  like  it.  She  has  sent  her  Leamington 
address,  so  she  probably  expects  a  message  from  us. 

HEL.  (coming  fiercely  to  Duxx)  Why  have  you  kept 
this  knowledge  from  us? 


10  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

DUXN.    You  could  have  had  it  any  time  for  the  asking. 

HEL.     Where  is  her  note? 

DUNN.  There's  no  occasion  to  put  on  that  tragedy 
queen  expression.  Here  it  is — (selects  and  gives  letter.) 

HEL.  (crosses  L.  as  she  reads)  Madeline  Mifton,  care 
of  Mrs.  Miller,  Barton  street. 

HAT.     Did  she  seem  a  jolly  sort  of  girl? 

HEL.  (turning  L.  corner)  She's  not  engaged  to  be 
jolly! 

HATTIE  with  toss  of  her  head,  goes  up  R. 

DUNN.  She  appeared  to  me  an  agreeable  kind  of  per- 
son, and  the  people  at  Chester,  where  she  was  living, 
spoke  very  well  of  her. 

CAR.  (arm  in  DUNN'S)  I  hope  she  will  be  good  to 
the  children. 

DUNN.  Well!  She  looked  the  kind  of  person  who 
would  be  good  to  the  children. 

HEL.  You  have  so  little  discrimination — I  ought  to 
have  gone  to  Chester  myself. 

Goes  up  L.  near  fireplace. 

DUNN.  Well,  nobody  stopped  you;  and  you  have  her 
references  anyway.  (CARRIE  soothes  him  and  up  to  fire- 
place to  HELEN.) 

SILL.     I'm  sorry  you're  not  going  with  us,  Dunn. 

DUNN,  (crossing  SILLOCKS  and  sitting  L.  of  table) 
It's  just  as  well  as  it  happens;  I've  had  a  letter  from 
Tompkins,  saying  that  he's  going  to  be  in  town  for  a 
few  hours;  he  is  sure  to  run  in  to  look  at  his  treas- 
ures. 

SILL.  I  saw  in  the  Telegraph  that  he  had  bought  the 
celebrated  statue  "  Niobe  "  from  the  Bernoldi  collection; 
is  that  so? 

DUNN.  Yes!  I  have  it  here  in  the  house.  We  have 
insured  it  for  £10,000. 

SILL.  A  good  sum — what  was  your  idea  of  bringing  it 
here? 

HELEN,   HATTIE  and  CARRIE  up  at   back  near  fireplace. 

DUNN.  Oh!  Mr.  Tompkin's  new  mansion,  at  Henley, 
isn't  ready  yet;  and  I  did  not  care  to  risk  it  in  storage. 

SILL.     You  don't  go  in  for  curiosities  yourself? 

DUNN.  No!  No  money  in  'em!  I've  a  genuine  Rem- 
brandt in  the  dining-room,  —  said  to  be  worth  £12,000. 

SILL.     Yours? 


XIOBE.  ALL  SMILES.  H 

Duxx.  No!  Tompkins's!  Come  and  have  a  look  at 
it — it  may  be  your  only  chance.  Just  as  well  to  be  able 
to  say  you've  seen  these  things. 

Exit  SILLOCKS  and  Duxx  K.  D.,  both  talking;  HATTIE  fol- 
loics  to  door,  mimicking  them;  then  turns  to  HELEX. 

HAT.  We  ought  to  get  our  wraps  on  now.  It's  a  quar- 
ter to  eight. 

HEL.     (going  c.)     How  impatient  you  are! 

HAT.  No  more  so  than  you;  only  you  think  it  clever 
to  look  as  wooden  as  a  Chinese  idol. 

HEL.  Hattie!  We'll  leave  you  behind  if  you're  not 
good. 

HELEX  exits  c.  and  R.  up  stairs. 

HAT.  (calling  after  her)  You'd  send  me  to  bed  with- 
out my  supper  too,  if  you  could,  only  I  have  had  it. 

CAR.  (icith  pretended  severity)  Don't  be  so  forward, 
Hattie! 

CARRIE  exits  c.  and  R.  up  stairs;  CORXEY  and  BEATRICE  en- 
ter from  R.  D.,  spooning. 

CORX.  Oh  yes,  Bea,  if  I  asked  you  very  sweetly, 
wouldn't  you?  (HATTIE  gets  in  front  of  them.) 

BEA.     Here  is  Hattie? 

HAT.  (laughing  with  hands  behind  her)  Disturbed 
again,  eh?  Poor  dears.  Can't  you  get  left  to  yourselves 
anywhere? 

CORX.     Yes,  here — if  you  leave  us.    Get  out. 

CORXEY  goes  for  HATTIE  c.;  BEATRICE  drops  doicn  R.  to 
couch  and  sits. 

HAT.  Now  behave  Corney,  or  I'll  tell  Helen  who  put 
the  photos  in  the  album. 

CORX.  Be  off,  Miss  Impudence — (runs  her  off  up- 
stairs R.  c.)  That  girl's  a  terror,  (returns  to  BEA, 
speaking  as  he  comes  down)  You  can't  think  Beatrice — 
(sits  on  couch)  You  can't  think. 

HAT.  (returning)  You  can  think;  we  haven't  much 
time,  Bea;  you'll  be  late. 

CORX.  Will  you  get  out — (CORXEY  chases  her  round 
table  and  up  stairs  c.  and  R. ;  he  returns)  She  gets  worse- 
and  worse!  (looking  back  after  HATTIE.) 

BEA.  I  didn't  see  anything  so  dreadful  in  the  photos, 
Corney;  if  you  own  up  to  them,  I  don't  mind.  /-.. 


12  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CORN.     Oh,  well!    If  you  don't  mind,  I  will! 

BEA.  I  thought  they  couldn't  be  poor  Mr.  Dunn's;  he 
looked  so  innocent. 

CORN,  (seated  on  couch  R.,  laughing)  Yes,  Peter's 
appearance  does  rather  discount  him. 

BEA.     It  was  too  bad  to  infer  they  were  his. 

CORN.  Oh,  he  doesn't  mind.  We  put  everything  on  to 
Peter;  and  I'm  so  much  afraid  of  your  father's  displeas- 
ure; you  don't  know  the  treasure  you  are  Bea;  and  the 
fume  a  fellow  gets  in  for  fear  of  losing  you.  (with  arm, 
round  BEA.) 

BEA.  Why  should  you  be  so  anxious?  If  your  past 
was  only  blameless. 

CORN,     (absent  minded)     Yes!     If  it  only  was! 

BEA.     Do  you  tell  me  it  is  not? 

CORN,  (quickly)  No!  Of  course  I  don't,  you  don't 
think  I'm  such  a  jay — gay — gay  deceiver?  (turns 
slightly  away)  If  we  were  only  married.  Then  I 
shouldn't  have  to  be  so  careful. 

BEA.     Have  you  to  be  careful? 

CORN.  Of  myself,  yes!  But  then,  you  can  take  care 
of  me;  and  I  can  be  careful  of  you;  and  I  shan't  have  to 
invent  stories  about  Art  photographs,  or  French  Novels. 

BEA.     Novels,  Corney? 

CORN.  Though  they're  not  really  mine;  Innings 
brought  them  here. 

BEA.     We've  not  seen  Mr.   Innings  lately. 

CORN.  Not  for  two  or  three  days;  he's  away  on  busi- 
ness. 

BEA.     I  thought  he  had  no  business  to  be  away  upon. 

CORN.  No!  he  has  no  business  to  be  away,  when  I 
want  him  here — that  is — he  isn't  away  on  his  business. 
It's  business  of  mine. 

BEA.      (curiously)     Business    of    yours? 

CORN.  Yes!  well!  pleasure  more  than  business — when 
I  say  pleasure  I  mean  business — I  wanted  a  change — but 
I  couldn't  spare  the  time — and  Phil  could — he  took  the 
change — it  was  really  my  change;  for  he  paid  the  time 
before;  you  know  how  one  fellow  will  take  another  fel- 
low's change.  He's  a  most  obliging  fellow. 

Knock;  HATTIE  runs  doicn  stairs. 
HAT.     Here's  Mr.  Innings,  Corney! 

HATTIE  rushes  off  L. 
CORN.     Thank  goodness — I   was  getting  a  bit  mixed. 


XIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  13. 

(goes  L.  as  INNINGS  enters  c.  from  L.,  HATTIE  following.) 
How  are  you,  Phil? 

BEA.     Good  evening,  Mr.  Innings! 

I  NX.     Good  evening,  Miss  Sillocks! 

INNINGS  down  R. 
BEA.     Come  Hattie! 

BEATRICE  going  up  c. 

HAT.  (c.,  gushing  at  INNINGS)  Oh,  there's  heaps  of 
time;  it's  so  rude  to  leave  Mr.  Innings. 

CORN,  (going  up  to  HATTIE)  You  haven't  a  minute; 
the  carriage  is  at  the  door  now;  I'll  do  the  polite  to 
Innings. 

CORXEY   sees   girls   off  c.   R.   up   stairs   and  returns   to 
INNINGS. 

What  kept  you  so  long?    I  expected  you  yesterday! 

INN.  (taking  off  gloves  as  he  sits  on  couch)  I  had 
more  to  do  than  I  thought.  You  said 

CORN.  (c.  anxiously)  Never  mind  what  7  said;  what 
have  you  to  sayf  Your  news? 

INN.     Well!     I  went  to  Cambridge  you  know 

CORN.  And  you  have  come  back,  I  know,  but  what. 
did  you  do  there?  What  have  you  discovered? 

I  NX.     I   found  Ethel 

CORN.     Good! 


INN.     Was  no  longer  there 

CORN.     Then  you  didn't  find  her? 

INN.  (sitting  on  couch)  No;  nor  the  slightest  trace 
of  where  she  had  gone. 

CORN,     (goes  L.  and  up  round  table)     Then  she'll  turn 
up  when  least  expected;  what  a  confounded  fool  I  was! 
If  the   affair   reaches   old   Sillocks's   ears,   good   bye   to 
Beatrice;    hang   it!    I'd   have   discovered    something   if 
Id  gone.      (sits  R.  of  table.) 

INN.  (rises  and  coming  c. )  It  wasn't  much,  but  7 
discovered  something — I  learnt  that  Ethel  had  a  sister, 
a  governess.  Did  you  know  Ethel  had  a  sister,  a  gov- 
erness? 

CORN.     Yes,  but  I  never  saw  her! 

IXN.  Knew  you'd  think  I  hadn't  tried,  if  I  didn't  find 
out  something;  so  obtained  the  address  of  Sister,  at  a 
situation  in  Chester — went  to  Chester;  sister  had  left — 
referred  to  a  friend.  Miss  Topping;  found  Topping; 


l_j.  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

worked  round  stealthily  to  subject,  but  the  moment  I 
mentioned  Ethel's  name,  Miss  T.  shut  up  like  an  Oyster; 
no  news  there,  except  that  Ethel's  sister,  Madeline  Mif- 
ton 

CORN.     Yes! 

I xx.  Had  gone  to  a  situation  as  governess,  in  Lon- 
don. Resigned  a  good  situation,  for  "  some  ridiculous 
notion  " — that's  what  Miss  T  called  it — of  coming  to 
London — to  look  up — or  hunt  down — a  young  man  to 
whom  her  sister  was  or  had  been  engaged. 

CORX.  (delighted)  Ridiculous  notion!  Good  for 
Topping!  She  might  as  well  search  for  a  needle  in  a 
haystack — I'm  safe  enough. 

Knock;  MARY  crosses  from  R.  to  L.  at  back. 

Ixx.  I  wonder  she  didn't  pursue  you  herself,  instead 
of  putting  the  sister  on  your  track. 

CORN.  Well,  Ethel  is  something  like  myself — she  can- 
not stand  worry. 

Door  slam;  enter  MARY  c.  from  L.  ;   IXXTXGS  goes  to  R. 
of  table. 

MARY.     Mr.  Tompkins! 

CORN.  Show  him  in,  and  I'll  send  Mr.  Dunn  to  him. 
(MARY  exits  to  L.  ;  CORXEY  goes  over  to  door  R. )  Peter! 
Here's  Mr.  Tompkins — I'm  going  to  the  Theatre  Phil,  so 
I  can't  stop  and  entertain  you.  I'm  immensely  tickled 
with  the  idea  of  the  Sister  coming  to  London  to  hunt  me 
down.  I  shall  think  of  nothing  else  all  the  evening. 

DUNN,  (speaking  as  he  enters  from  room  R.)  How 
•tie  do,  Tompkins,  (INNINGS  going  towards  DUNN)  why, 
it's  Innings!  (DUNN  down  to  couch)  I  thought  you 
said  Mr.  Tompkins  was  here. 

CORN.     He  is  here. 

Drxx.     Where? 

CORN.  There!  (indicating  hall  off  c.)  How  you  do 
worry,  Peter! 

CORNEY  and  INNINGS  exit  into  dining-room  R.,  as  TOMP- 
KIXS  enters  L.  c.;   DUNN  rises  and  meets  him  c. 

TOMP.  Let  me  thank  you,  Mr.  Dunn,  for  taking  such 
particular  care  of  my  treasure.  It  was  most  consider- 
ate of  you  to  bring  it  into  your  own  house. 

TOMPKIXS  posing  L.  c. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  15 

DUN?*.  (R.  c.)  Not  at  all!  I  was  anxious  to  have  it 
unpacked,  just  to  make  sure  it  hadn't  suffered  in  ship- 
ment. 

TOMP.  (enthusiastically — taking  off  gloves)  Ah! 
you  thought  of  the  centuries  that  beautiful  form  had 
retained  its  completeness,  without  damage  or  disfigure- 
ment, and  were  impressed  with  a  tender,  almost  loving, 
care. 

DUNN.  Not  a  bit!  I  thought  of  the  loss  to  our  Com- 
pany if  it  got  chipped.  There  was  no  sentiment  or 
friendship  in  the  business.  Sentiment's  all  very  well, 
but  there's  no  money  in  it. 

DUNN  crosses  to  window,  L.  c. ;  SILLOCKS  enters  from  din- 
ing-room R.;   lights  begin  to  go  slowly  down. 

SILL.  (R.  c.)  How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Tompkins.  I  con- 
gratulate you  Sir,  on  the  possession  of  such  a  gem. 

TOMP.     (L.  c.)     Beautiful,  is  it  not? 

SILL.      (R.  c. )     Grand!     A  painting  like  that 

TOMP.  Painting!  I  am  speaking  of  my  Statue, 
Niobe. 

SILL.     Oh,  I  haven't  seen  it. 

TOMP.  (c.)  Ah,  when  you  do!  Where  among  your 
moderns  is  a  work  like  it?  Where  among  your  Sculp- 
tors, the  peer  of  Phidias,  Praxiteles,  Scophas  or  Poly- 
dorus  of  Rhodes? 

DUNN.  (L.  of  table)  And  which  of  the  whole  lot 
would  compare  with  Edison? 

TOMP.  Ah,  Dunn!  You  are  not  familiar  with  the 
Elgin  Marbles. 

DUNN.  Haven't  played  a  game  since  I  was  a  boy! 
(sits  L.  of  table) 

TOMP.  (despondently)  Sculpture  is  dead  now  Sil- 
locks. 

SILL.     Don't  despond  Tompkins,  it  may  revive! 

DUNN.  Sculpture's  right  enough  in  its  way — but  it 
isn't  in  it  with  the  Telephone,  or  the  Telegraph,  or  the 
Tape,  or  the  Typewriter. 

TOMP.  Ugh!  All  such  inventions  tend  to  warp  the 
noblest  traits  of  human  nature. 

DUNN.  Statues  are  all  right  for  decorating  Parks,  but 
there's  no  money  in  them. 

SILL.     I'm  in  favor  of  the  modern  myself. 

TOMP.  And  I  sigh  for  the  Antique — (sits  R.  of  table 
L.  c. )  I  should  like  to  have  lived  in  the  days  of  Homer! 

DUNN.  Not  for  me.  I  can't  fancy  existence  without 
•cheap  postage,  fast  steamers,  and  penny-in-the-slot  ma- 


16  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

chines.  I  countenance  every  improvement.  Move  with 
the  times  I  say,  and  get  ahead  of  'em  if  you  can.  (rise) 
I'm  getting  the  Electric  light  put  in  now;  we  make  our 
connection  from  the  street  here,  just  as  you  do  with 
your  gas. 

TOMP.  I  hate  gas.  I  would  go  back  to  the  pine  torch 
or  the  days  of  candles! 

Duxx.  (L.)  Yes!  You're  crazed  on  the  subject  of 
Early  Greece. 

SILLOCKS  laughs. 

TOMP.     (L.  c.)     I  am,  and  I  glory  in  it. 

SILL.  (R.  )  Well  for  modern  tastes,  there  isn't  al- 
ways too  much  clothing  on  our  remnants  of  that  early 
period. 

Duxx.  (crosses  to  SILLOCKS)  You're  right.  That's 
one  reason  the  women  objected  to  the  Niobe;  and  it's 
decent  enough  for  anything.  The  dress  is  apparently 
split  up  a  bit  on  one  side,  and  shows  part  of  the  knee. 

TOMP.  (enthusiastically)  A  classic  knee,  Sir, 
which  nothing  in  nature — Modern  nature — could  equal. 

Duxx.  (c.)  I  did  manage  to  have  my  own  way  for 
once,  and  there  it  is,  behind  that  four-fold  screen,  which 
boxes  it  in  completely.  It's  nicely  out  of  the  way  there 
too. 

TOMP.     (rising)     You'd  like  to  see  it,  Sillocks? 

SILL.     Yes! 

TOMP.     A  glorious  figure,   Sir! 

Goes  L.  and  around  table. 

DUNN,  (up  c.)  I  suppose  as  Statues  go,  it  is  very 
well  turned  out. 

Swings  back  fold  of  screen,  showing  Statue  of  Niobe; 
DUNN  is  now  R.,  holding  back  two  folds  of  screen; 
red  glow  from  fire. 

TOMP.  (L.  c.  behind  table)  Lovely!  What  exqui- 
site moulding — That  knee  especially! 

SILL,     (curiously)     What's  she  supposed  to  be  doing? 

TOMP.  (back  of  table)  Weeping!  You  know  the 
story  of  Niobe.  The  gods  wearied  of  her  incessant 
tears:  turned  her  into  stone. 

DUNN.  She'd  make  an  elegant  ornament  for  a  family 
vault. 

TOMP.  Sillocks!  I  would  not  take  ten  thousand 
pounds  for  that  Statue. 


NIC-BE,  ALL  SMILES.  17 

Drxx.     Sillocks  won't  tempt  you! 

TOMP.  (with  enthusiasm)  This  beautiful  image  was 
dug  up  in  the  ruins  of  Thebes  in  1785;  it  passed  into 
the  hands  of  a  Florentine  gentleman;  but  in  1S25  Count 
Bernoldi  purchased  it  and  it  remained  in  his  collection, 
till  I  tempted  his  grandson,  a  spendthrift  youth,  with  an 
offer  he  could  not  resist.  Oh,  how  perfectly  that  nose  is 
chiselled,  and  that  shoulder 

Duxx.     That  cold  shoulder 

TOMP.  (approaching  Statue)  What  are  those  wires 
around  the  feet? 

MARY,  (who  is  seen  "busy  in  hall  c. — quickly)  Excuse 
me,  Sir,  don't  touch  them;  the  Electric  man  said  as 
you  were  to  be  very  careful  with  the  wires. 

Duxx.  The  connection  with  the  street  is  made  then? 
(Duxx  closes  the  screen  and  lights  go  up  again) 

MART.  (c.  in  doorway)  Yes,  Sir!  But  he  hadn't 
time  to  bury  the  wires  under  the  floor  to-day;  so  he 
wrapped  'em  round  the  feet  of  the  Statue,  where  they 
wouldn't  be  likely  to  hurt  no  one. 

Duxx.  Who  the  devil  gave  him  permission  to  touch 
the  figure?  Don't  you  know  you  are  expressly  forbid- 
den to  touch  the  figures? 

Ladies    come    doicn    stairs    to    halhvay;    CORXEY    and. 
IXXIXGS  from  E.  in  hallway  join  them. 

MARY.     Miss  Griffin,  Sir! 

Duxx.     Oh  Miss That'll  do! 

MARY  exits  at  back  R. 

N.  B. — After  Duxx  closes  screen  NIOBE  removes  white 
wig,  makes  up,  etc.,  for  re-appearance  in  the  flesh. 

TOMP.  Confound  your  modern  appliances!  They 
managed  to  get  alor-°r  without  them  in  Attica!  Bah! 
We  might  all  have  been  killed! 

TOMPKIXS   crosses  L.   corner;  lights  going  up. 

Duxx.     (c.)     Not  this  time.     The  pressure  isn't  on. 
SILL.     How  do  you  know  that? 

Duxx.  (following  TOMPKIXS,  crosses  to  window  L.) 
Because  the  lights  in  the  street  are  not  going  yet. 

HELEX,  BEATRICE,  COF.XEY,  HATTTE  and  IXXIXGS,  and  CAB- 
BIE advance  from  hallway  c. 


18  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CORN,     (putting    on    gloves)     Sorry    Phil,    that    you 
can't  come  along  with  us.     (CORNEY  down  L.  c. ) 
INN.     I'm  not  dressed  to  go  to  the  Theatre. 
CAR.    What  a  pity  there  isn't  another  seat? 

CARRIE  comes  down  R.;   SILLOCKS  gets  up  back  of  ladies 
to  centre. 

HAT.     Oh,  you  must  come,  Mr.  Innings. 

HEL.  (coming  c.)  If  you  will  give  up  your  seat  to 
Mr.  Innings. 

INN.     (protestingly)     No,  no! 

DUNN.  If  you  are  all  settled  in  your  seats,  let  me  in- 
troduce Mr.  Tompkins,  Mr.  Hamilton  'iompkins,  my  wife 
—  (ladies  get  into  line  with  CORNEY  top;  DUNN  waving 
Ms  hand  comprehensively)  My  wife's  family. 

CORN,     (waving  his  hand)     How  are  you,  Tompkins? 

HEL.     We  are  delighted  to  meet  you. 

All  ladies  in  row  curtsey  rather  marked;  CARRIE  is  R. 
corner,  HELEN  next,  HATTIE  next,  BEA  next  to  COR- 
NEY. 

SILL.  (c.  at  back)  Come  along,  Mrs.  Dunn;  we  shall 
"be  late! 

CARRIE  exits  c.  and  L.  with  SILLOCKS. 

CORN.  Come  on  Phil,  give  you  arm  to  Hattie,  and 
pilot  her  to  the  carriage. 

BEA.  Some  of  us  will  have  to  walk;  the  brougham 
will  only  hold  four. 

Exit  CORNEY  and  BEATRICE,  others  following  c.  and  L. 

HAT.  Mr.  Innings  can  sit  on  my  lap.  (exits  taking 
INNING'S  arm.) 

HEL.     Hattie!     I  can  do  nothing  with  her, 

Exit  HELEN  c.  and  L.;  slam  of  door;  lights  slowly  going 
down. 

TOMP.     (front  of  table)     All  your  wife's  family? 

DUNN,     (c.,  coming  down)     Nearly! 

TOMP.     Some  of  your  own? 

DUNN.  Oh  no!  I  married  out  of  my  own  family  cir- 
cle into  my  wife's — I  got  rid  of  one  Griffin  by  changing 
it  to  a  Dunn,  and  three  other  Griffins  sprang  up  in  its 


MOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  19 

place.    Takes  it  out  of  the  Phenix,  don't  it?     (rings  bell 
on  table) 

.MARY  enters  R.  c.;  Duxx  signs  to  her;  she  exits  R.  D. 

TOM  P.  (crosses  R.)  Griffin!  Griffin!  Was  that  your 
wire's  maiden  name? 

DUNN.     Yes!     The  Griffins  of  Brentford. 

To MP.  (os  if  thinking,  sitting  on  couch  R.)  Indeed!' 
Unless  I'm  much  mistaken,  there  was  quite  a  scandal 
years  ago  about  a  Miss  Griffin  of  Brentford,  but  that 
could  not  be  your  wife? 

Duxx.  No,  but  it  might  be  Helen!  And  oh,  if  it 
were!  Tompkins,  if  you  could  only  find  out  for  certain, 
and  place  me  in  possession  of  the  facts 

TOMP.  (on  couch)  I  certainly  can  and  will  with 
pleasure.  I  think  (bus.)  she  eloped  with  the  coachman. 

Enter    MARY    with    trays,    fir  inks,    3    glasses,    Decanter, 
glass  jug,  with  a  little  water  in  it,  and  exit  R.  c. 

Duxx.  Helen  eloped!  Eureka!  I  see  the  dawn  of 
emancipation — Tompkins,  do  I  look  like  a  slave?  (c.) 

TOMP.     (eyeing  Duxx)     No,  I  don't  see  that  you  do! 

Duxx.  (c.)  But  I  am — we  all  are — this  is  Uncle 
Tom's  Cab'n;  I'm  Uncle  Tom,  and  Helen  Griffin  is  my 
Legree.  (crosses  L.  of  table)  But  provided  with  such  a 
weapon,  I  could  rear  the  standard  of  revolt  and  free  our 
beloved  home. 

Duxx    L.    of   table   with    decanter;    TOMPKIXS    follows 
Duxx  to  R.  of  table. 

TOMP.  The  intelligence  shall  be  yours,  (sits  R.  of 
table) 

Duxx.  The  few  of  my  own  people  that  are  left,  I 
never  see,  never  hear  of.  My  own  dear  little  sister 
Mabel  has  never  been  asked  to  visit  us.  The  Griffin 
has  never  fixed  her  Basilisk  eye  on  her,  and  apparently 
doesn't  want  to. 

TOMP.  The  attendant  ills  of  married  life!  Ah!  The 
women  will  never  victimize  me. 

They  drink. 

Duxx.  (sitting  L.  of  table)  Ah  Tompkins!  Don't  be 
too  sure  of  that.  You  never  know  what  it  is  that  gives 
you  indigestion,  but  you  get  it  just  the  same. 


20  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

TOMP.  I  shall  never  marry,  if  you  mean  that;  T 
would  not  marry  a  modern,  and  I'm  not  likely  to  meet 
with  an  Antique. 

DUNN.  I've  a  Maiden  Aunt;  the  one  my  Sister's  with, 
who  is  antique  enough  for  anything. 

TOMP.     (interested)     How  far  back  does  she  go? 

DUNN.  Well,  past  the  middle  ages;  she's  over  sixty; 
but  it's  the  rarity  of  her  that  would  attract  you,  Tomp- 
kins! 

TOMP.  (indignantly  rising,  going  R.  )  Sir,  I'm  not 
forming  a  museum  of  curiosities,  but  a  gallery  of  Art 
treasures. 

DUNN,  (rising)  Yes!  Of  course!  Are  you  going 
already? 

MARY  enters  from  c.  and  L.  with  trunk;  TOMPKINS  put- 
ting gloves   on  c. 

MARY,  (c.)  Here's  a  trunk,  Sir,  has  been  delivered 
for  a  Miss  Mifton. 

DUNN.  Miss  Mifton!  Oh,  the  Governess's  trunk.  She 
said  it  would  be  sent  on.  Leave  it  there,  Mary.  We'll 
get  it  carried  up  bye  and  bye.  I  remember  she  said  in 
her  letter  it  would  be  sent  on. 

MARY  places  trunk  near  R.  of  c.  doorway  and  goes  to 
turn  up  lamp  on  stand  below  fireplace. 

DUNN.  Never  mind  the  lamp,  Mary;  I'll  turn  it  up 
myself  when  I  want  it;  (MARY  exits  c.  and  R.)  I  like 
to  sit  in  the  gloaming!  What's  your  hurry  Tompkins? 
Sit  down  and  take  another  drink. 

TOMP.  I  am  due  at  the  Antiquarian  Society.  A  dis- 
cussion on  what  History  owes  to  numismatics! 

DUNN.  Well,  go  and  fix  the  amount  and  get  History 
to  settle  up — Good  evening!  Mary!  Oh!  Good  even- 
ing, Tompkins!  (lights  down  low) 

MARY  appears  c.  and  R.,  ushers  TOMPKINS  out  L.  c.,  then 
crosses  to  R.  at  oack, 

DUNN,  (goes  to  Statue  again,  softly  humming  a  tune) 
A  pretty  thing  for  our  Company  if  that  idiot  had  dam- 
aged his  Statue  with  those  infernal  wires.  Just  like  my 
beautiful  sister-in-law,  to  give  permission  to  wrap  them 
round  the  figure,  just  to  show  that  my  wishes  were  of 
no  account.  I'll  get  a  staple  and  padlock  to-morrow; 
and  fasten  that  screen  up  like  a  packing  case,  (sits  on 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  21 

sofa)  I  suppose  the  Electricity  can't  affect  the  marble; 
ha!  it's  such  a  mysterious  agent,  one  never  knows  what 
it  may  do.  P'raps  I'd  better  light  up.  I  wonder  what's 
the  matter  with  the  Electric  lamps  in  the  street? 
(crosses  at  front  of  table  L.  c.  and  looks  out  of  window) 
They're  generally  making  the  gas  look  sickly  before  this 
— must  be  something  wrong  this  evening.  Ah!  There 
it  goes!  (flash  on  electric  light  outside  window,  flood- 
ing stage,  DUNN  sits  L.  of  table  L.  c.)  Well!  That's 
light  enough  to  think  by.  (low  moan:  weird  music  be- 
gins) What's  that?  (moan)  Some  Psychological  phe- 
nomenon! An  omen  of  some  kind!  (rising,  towards 
window;  NIOBE  extending  her  arms,  pushes  open  screen 
and  is  seen  moving,  as  if  awakening  to  life;  DUNN 
.sloicly  turns)  Great  Heavens!  The  Statue's  alive! 

Falls  on  knees  at  chair  L.  of  table. 

Nio.     My  feet!     Oh,  Amphion!     Amphion! 

DUNN,  (looking  at  Statue)  Is  this  nightmare?  Am 
I  dreaming? 

Nio.  My  feet!  This  thrill!  A  liquid  fire  seems 
coursing  through  my  veins.  Ah! 

As  if  bursting  the  spell  steps  down  from  pedestal,  re- 
mains, making  picture. 

DUNN.  No!  No!  It  can't  be  that — I  don't  drink 
to  that  extent. 

NIODE  comes  slowly  down  c.,  examining  room  in  wonder- 
ment; goes  round  up  n.  and  then  deliberately  to  c.; 
DUNN,  who  has  crouched  behind  or  beside  table,  dis- 
arranges himself,  tie,  hair,  etc.;  then  crawls  round 
table  up  c.,  as  NIOBE  turns  and  confronts  him.  he 
shrinks  back  on  to  knees,  hands  on  chair.  Music 
ceases.  NIOBE  comes  near  DUNN  regarding  him  with 
amazement;  picture. 

Nio.  Hail  to  thee!  What  man  art  thou?  How  came 
•you  in  this  strange  guise?  Are  you  a  slave? 

DUNN.  Yes— No — Certainly  not!  (aside)  There's 
no  use  in  letting  every  stranger  know  I'm  a  cipher  in 
my  own  house. 

Nio.     A  Lord? 

DUNN,  (timidly  rising)  Lord  and  Master!  (aside) 
I  can  truthfully  say  it  while  Helen  is  not  on  the  prem- 
ises. 


22  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

NIOBE  approaches  Duxx  before  speaking,  he  backs  away 
from  her. 

Nio.  How  strange!  (goes  lower  and  regarding  him, 
back  to  audience)  How  strange! 

Duxx.  (with  wonderment)  Strange!  She  thinks, 
me  strange!  If  she  could  only  change  places  and  regard 
herself,  and  doubt  the  existence  of  her  faculties,  as  I  do 
—  (NIOBE  now  moves,  going  up  R. )  When  I  see  her 
move  and  hear  her  speak.  No!  I've  got  to  believe  it. 
It's  the  Electricity.  She's  there  alive,  Niobe  herself; 
not  a  Statue.  And  I'm  not  dreaming,  or  drunk  or  de- 
mented, (staggers  front  of  table) 

NIOBE    has   looked   round   apartment. 

Nio.  (advancing  c.)  Who  has  made  these  changes? 
Where's  Amphion?  Is  he  not  yet  back  from  Olympia? 

Duxx.  (getting  L.  of  table,  half  frightened)  I'm  sure 
I  don't  know — he'll  be  some  time  yet;  if  he  is  staying 
for  the  Ballet. 

Nio.  Who  has  won  the  Kotinos  of  poetry?  My  Am- 
phion was  the  Alutarches. 

Duxx.  Very  likely!  But  he  isn't  now!  I'm  afraid 
you  don't  quite  realize  what  has  happened  to  you.  That 
you  have  just  been— revived — I  suppose — as  it  were: 
That  you're  not  in  your  Palace  here,  but  mine!  That 
we  are  now  in  Anno  Domini  1896,  and  that  the  trifling 
events  you're  thinking  and  speaking  of,  occurred  about 
one  thousand  years  B.  C.;  before  you  changed  your  mor- 
tal flesh  into  Parian  marble. 

During  this  speech,  NIOBE,  her  hand  to  her  head,  appears 
to  be  trying  to  recall  the  past. 

Nio.  (as  if  recollecting — coming  down  stage)  Ah! 
No!  The  gods!  Knowledge  returns;  alas!  Phrebus 
and  Artemis  punished  me — Changed!  Ah  fate!  Oh,  my 
unhappy  fate,  (kneeling,  sobs  bitterly) 

Drxx.  (L.  c.)  That's  a  settler — I  never  can;  I  never 
could  bear  to  see  a  woman  cry — Never!  There,  don't 
grieve,  dear;  you  were  turned  into  stone,  but  you've1 
turned  out  all  right;  don't  cry!  Please  don't  cry. 

Nio.     Ah  me!     That  I  so  easily  am  moved. 

Duxx.     Well,  it  took  eight  men  to  carry  you  in  here. 

Nio.  (crosses  L.)  I'll  dry  these  tears,  the  cause  or 
my  hard  lot. 

Duxx.     The  hardest  lot  ever  put  up;   when  you  con- 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  23 

sider  you've  gone  all  these  years  without  so  much  as 
having  your  nose  chipped  off!  Why,  you've  been  buried 
for  centuries.  ( NIOBE  looks  at  him  in  wonder)  And 
if  they  hadn't  started  exploring  the  ruins  of  some  of 
those  old  Temples,  you'd  be  there  still.  I'm  aware  it's 
a  delicate  subject  with  a  lady,  but  I  should  estimate 
you  must  be  close  on  three  thousand  years  old. 

Nio.     (looking  at  him  indignantly)     How? 

DUNN,  (backing  away  from  NIOBE)  Oh,  you  don't 
look  it! 

Nio.  (L.)  Three  thousand  years!  Oh,  Zeus,  and 
now  the  ban,  the  curse  of  mighty  Phffibus  is  removed. 

DUNN,     (c.)     Yes!     And  Phoebus  is  gone,  too. 

NIOBE  goes  up  L.  behind  and  round  table  to  c. 

Nio.  And  all  is  new!  Is  this  the  Hesitaterion?  The 
Throni  are  strange,  the  Katoptron  collossal. 

DUNN.    Yes,  you've  got  to  do  things  big  now-a-days. 

Nio.  (approaching  DUNN  c.)  You  truly  say,  the  ages 
have  rolled  by;  my  husband,  children,  dead!  In  all  the 
world,  I  have  no  one  but  you.  (taking  his  hand) 

DUNN,  (snatching  hand  away — crosses  to  L.  of  her) 
No  one  but  me!  You've  no  claim  on  me; — that  is — I 
have  no  claim  on  you! 

Nio.  (quickly)  Ah  yes!  I  am  no  ingrate;  take  all 
my  love;  you  gave  new  life  to  me,  and  I  am  yours. 

Falls  upon  his  neck,  embracing  him. 

DUNN.  White  Elephants,  what  am  I  going  to  do  with 
her?  (NIOBE  turns  him  round  to  B.  of  her) 

Nio.  (holding  him  at  arm's  length)  You  are  not 
much  to  look  at;  (DUNN  turns  away)  but  your  heart — 

DUNN.  (B.  c.)  Now  don't  count  upon  that.  And 
don't  indulge  in  expectations  that  can  never  be  realized. 

Nio.  Your  mien  is  soft — (hand  on  his  head)  Have 
you  a  noble  name? 

DUNN.     Peter  Amos 

Nio.  (gushingly)  Petramos!  Petramos!  And  I  will 
love  Petramos,  as  I  have  loved  Amphion;  and  there  will 
be  no  happier  twain  in  Greece! 

She  has  taken  his  hands,  and  now  swings  them  about 
childishly. 

DUNN.  Yes — you're  mapping  it  all  out,  but  it  can't 
be;  for  a  variety  of  reasons:  In  the  first  place,  we're 
not  in  Greece,  (crosses  L.) 


24=  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

Nio.     (in  wonderment,  getting  c.)     Not  in  Greece? 

DUNN,  (returning  to  her)  No!  We're  in  London, 
the  Capital  of  a  little  Island  called  Great  Britain,  hun- 
dreds of  miles  from  Thebes. 

Nio.  You  speak  our  tongue.  And  are  you  not  a 
Greek? 

DUNN.  (L.  c.)  Not  much!  And  we're  not  speaking 
Greek,  but  English — though  how  you  picked  it  up  is  a 
mystery  to  me. 

Nio.  We  understand  each  other,  that's  enough.  What 
else  there  is  to  know,  I'll  learn  from  you,  now  that  I'm 
settled  here. 

Nestling  up  to  and  resting  against  him. 

DUNN,  (alarmed)  But  you're  not  settled  here!  And 
it's  out  of  the  question!  (he  speaks  very  angrily  and 
NIOBE  starts  to  soft)  No,  no!  You're  a  very  charming 
lady  and  personally  I  shouldn't  object  to  your  stopping 
for  a  week  or  so,  but  I  have  a  wife! 

Nio.     But  you  are  Lord  and  could  put  her  away. 

DUNN.  Oh  could  I!  And  she  has  an  elder  sister.  Per- 
haps you  could  tell  me  what  I'm  going  to  do  with  her? 

Nio.  It  is  not  hard!  Why,  sell  her  for  a  slave! 
(pose) 

DUNN,  (goes  ~L.)  I  should  like  to,  but  I  don't  think 
anybody  would  buy  Helen  unless  a  great  big  life  in- 
surance policy  went  along  with  her;  besides  Slavery  is 
abolished,  and  if  you  weren't  so  ignorant  you'd  know 
that;  and  know  how  wrong  it  is  to  fill  one  with  delusive 
hopes  like  these. 

DUNN  goes  towards  window. 

Nio.  Ah,  be  not  angered  with  me,  Petramos.  If 
you  reject  me,  life  restored  is  wrecked,  and  I  shall  die. 

NIOBE  kneels  and  sobs. 

DUNN  (returns  again  L.  c.)  Well,  after  three  thou- 
sand years,  you  can't  complain  if  you  have  to.  You've 
had  a  pretty  good  innings.  She's  at  it  again.  I  can't 
stand  hearing  a  woman  cry  like  this,  and  she  is  pretty, 
considering  what  a  back  number  she  is.  Don't  cry,  stop 
it,  don't  cry,  please — there's  a  dear,  (patting  her  head) 

Nio.  (clinging  to  him — rise)  And  you  do  love  me, 
Petramos? 

DUNN.  Oh,  well  in  a  way!  (NIOBE  suddenly  crying) 
Don't!  don't  cry!  Yes!  Yes! 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  25 

NIOBE   instantly  cheerful,   standing  erect. 

Nio.  And  we  will  sacrifice  to  Dusky  Dis;  and  pray 
him  to  take  your  wife  to  Hades,  (pose) 

Duxx.  But  I  don't  want  my  wife  to  go  to — who's 
Dusky  Dis?  Some  Nigger  Minstrel? 

Nio.     The  stern  proud  God  of  Tartarus! 

Duxx.  (disgusted)  Oh,  he's  played  out  long  ago; 
there's  no  such  party — you  mustn't  suppose  the  world 
has  been  standing  still  while  you've  been  in  a  state  of 
Petrifaction;  we've  been  going  ahead,  and  the  gods  ha.ve 
had  to  knock  under. 

DUXN  sits  R.  of  table. 

Nio.     (c.)     No  Gods?     No  Zeus?     No  Aphrodite? 

Duxx.  Not  one!  Except  in  Heathen  mythology — 
why  you're  a  heathen. 

Nio.     I  am! 

Duxx.  A  Pagan  idolater,  and  you'll  have  to  be  con- 
verted. . 

Nio.     I  was  converted. 

Duxx.     Eh? 

Nio.     Into  stone! 

Duxx.  Not  that!  You'll  have  to  go  to  school,  and 
learn  the  Piano,  and  the  Alphabet. 

Nio.  Alphabet — Ah!  (action  with  hands)  Alpha, 
Beta,  Gamma,  Delta. 

Duxx.  (rises)  Very  likely!  But  that  doesn't  get 
over  the  difficulty  of  what  is  going  to  be  done  with  you; 
and  look  at  it  as  we  will  you  cannot  remain  here. 

Nio.  (R.  c.;  after  slight  pause)  I  have  no  friends! 
No  home!  Where  can  I  go? 

Duxx.  Your  case  has  not  been  altogether  unprovided 
for;  as  there  is  a  home  for  lost  dogs,  so  also  is  there  an. 
asylum  for  ladies  in  distress. 

Nio.  Can  I  go  out  into  a  vicious  world  in  direst  ig- 
norance of  all  its  ways? 

Duxx.  Oh,  I  don't  suppose  it's  any  worse  than  it  was 
in  your  time.  (NIOBE  sobs)  You're  quite  right,  you 
can't,  and  it  would  be  brutal  to  send  you  out,  at  this  time 
cf  night  too. 

NIOBE  sits  on  front  of  pedestal. 

Nio.  The  gods,  alas,  are  angered  with  me  still,  (sob- 
ling) 

Duxx.     She's  at  it  again!     No  wonder  the  gods  got 


26  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

tired.  Don't!  please  don't  cry;  and  we'll  hit  upon  some 
plan;  if  I  only  knew  what  to  say  to  my  family,  (stands 
dejectedly  c.) 

Nio.  Say  whence  I  came — and  how — tell  them  the 
truth! 

Duxx.  Tell  them  what?  What  d'ye  take  me  for? 
Some  outrageous,  ridiculous  lie  might  pass  muster,  but 
the  truth,  a  truth  like  this!  you  couldn't  ask  them  to  be- 
lieve it.  George  Washington  would  have  found  this  too 
strong  for  his  veracity. 

Nio.     (R.  c.)     Who  is  Washington? 

Duxx.  Oh,  he  was  an  American  fghting  man;  you 
wouldn't  know  him.  You  were  before  his  time,  (looks 
at  u-atch,  at  window)  Is  that  the  time?  (goes  round 
table  to  window;  NIOBE  meamvhile  lies  full  length  on 
stage,  head  to  R.  on  stool)  They'll  be  home  from  the 
Theatre  presently;  what  am  I  to  do?  (turning  up  from 
window,  comes  down  centre) 

Sees  NIOBE  and  covers  her  feet  icith  drapery  -from  piano 
and  goes  again  anxiously  to  window;  MARY  enter? 
L.  c.,  going  to  fire;  Duxx  rushes  her  off  R.  c. 

Duxx.  I'll  ring  if  I  require  coals.  I'll  ring,  Mary, 
ring —  (coming  down  c.)  Madame!  Niobe!  You 
can't  be  seen  like  that,  you  must  do  something  with 
yourself —  ( NIOBE  half  rises)  You'd  better  go  upstairs 
and  put  some  of  my  wife's  clothes  on! 

Nio.     (kneeling)     I  tore  my  Peplos  in  excess  of  grief! 

Duxx.  Yes!  Yes!  I  see  you  did;  go  upstairs,  and 
dress  while  I  think  out  some  plan. 

Duxx  R.  as  if  in  great  worry,  as  NIOBE  rises,  moving 
up  c. 

Nio.  (turning  l>ack)  I  fear  I  don't  know  how  to 
dress  myself. 

Duxx.  Oh,  well,  7  can't!  You  must  try,  try!  up  the 
stairs  there — on  the  right — first  door  when  you  reach 
the  top. 

Nio.     Petramos!     All  my  will  I'll  yield  to  thine, 
Do  thou  but  clear  thy  brow  of  fretfulness. 
Thy  anger,  linked  with  fury  of  the  gods 
I  could  not  bear!     I  could  not  bear! 

NIOBE  exits  weeping  up  stairs  c.  R.,  the  footlights  up 
through  this  scene,  to  assist  the  comedy,  now  low 
again. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  27 

Duxx.  (staggered — sits  end  of  couch — a  pause) 
What  an  uncompleted  idiot  I  am.  My  wife  will  recog- 
nize her  clothes — (running  to  stairs,  sees  trunk  which 
he  secures  and  brings  down  stage)  The  Governess's 
trunk!  If  my  keys  will  only  fit  it,  no,  no!  They  never 
do — Yes — that's  lucky!  (raising  lid  of  trunk  and  clos- 
ing it  again)  How  clever  you  thought  yourself,  Peter 
Amos  Dunn,  when  you  suggested  to  yourself  bringing 

that  d d  Statue  into  the  house.     It  isn't  there!      It 

isn't  there!  (closes  screen — looks  round — straightens 
room — picks  up  drapery,  etc.;  crosses  to  mirror,  re-ar- 
ranges himself,  tie,  smooths  hair,  goes  down  L.  of  table 
and  pours  himself  a  drink,  hand  shakes.  He  cannot  get 
it  to  his  mouth;  sops  his  handkerchief  and  putting  it  to 
his  brow  ,crosses  and  sits  on  trunk.  Loud  knock  at 
door;  Duxx  jumping  up;  shoulders  trunk  and  rushes 
upstairs) 

Knocking;  MARY  crosses  R.  to  L.  ;   IXXIXGS  then  enters, 
MARY  following  L.  c. 

I xx.     Not  back  yet,  eh? 

MARY.     No  Sir!      (going  doivn  L.  to  lamp) 

I  .NX.  (looking  at  watch)  Oh,  well,  they  won't  be 
long,  it's  close  upon  eleven,  (sits  on  sofa  R.) 

MARY.  I  will  turn  up  the  lamp,  Sir,  I  thought  the 
Master  was  here. 

MARY    turns   up    lamp;    lights    full    on. 

Ixx.  They'd  have  stretched  a  point  and  taken  me 
with  them,  but  for  that  confounded  Helen.  Perhaps 
they're  walking,  it's  a  beautiful  night. 

Duxx  enters  c.  and  R.  down  stairs. 

Duxx.  (worried  and  anxious — down  c.)  Ah!  that's 
right,  Mary,  let's  have  a  light  on  the  subject —  (starts 
at  seeing  IXXIXGS)  Back  before  them,  eh  Innings? 
But  they  can't  be  long — it's  so  hot,  so  late — what's  that 
• — is  not  that  a  carriage? 

MARY.     No,   Sir! 

Duxx.  (L  .c.)  I  said  not — I  said  not — don't  argue, 
Mary;  don't  argue — (has  got  near  table,  takes  up 
empty  water  jug  and  empty  glass)  Why  have  you  no 
water  here?  How  can  I  be  expected  to  wash — drink — 
if  you  have  no  water  (loud  knock — MARY  frightened  of 
him  rushes  round  front  of  table  to  R.) 


23  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

DUNN  backs  to  centre;  he  keeps  water  jug  and  glass 
until  end  of  act. 

INN.     (R.)     There  they  are! 

DUNN.  I  knew  they'd  return —  (knock)  They'll 
have  to  come  in,  won't  they?  (knock — to  MARY)  Go! 
Go!  And  open  the  door;  don't  stand  there  like  an  idiot. 

MARY  exits  c.  and  L. 

INN.    You're  very  fidgetty,  Dunn,  what's  wrong? 
DUNN.    Wrong!      Do  I   look  as  if  I   was,  why — why 
should  there  be  anything  wrong? 

Savagely  to  INNINGS;   INNINGS  afraid,  crosses  to  L.  cor- 
ner. 

INN.     I  never  saw  you  like  this  before. 
DUNN.     I  never  was  like  this  before. 

Falls  into  chair  R.  of  table  L.  c. 

HAT.  (entering  c.,  comes  down  to  back  of  DUNN) 
Peter!  (DUNN  starts  up)  It  was  too  delightful  for  any- 
thing. I'm  so  sorry  you  didn't  come. 

DUNN  drops  again  in  chair  as  HATTIE  goes  R.   taking 
off  gloves,  etc.,  etc.;  CORNEY  enters  L.  c. 

DUNN.  So  am  I — I'd  have  given  a  hundred  pounds 
to  have  been  with  you. 

CORN,  (c.,  taking  off  gloves)  Hundred  pounds!  Oh, 
come!  What  for? 

DUNN.    Wh — er It's  a  favourite  play  of  mine. 

CORN,     (crossing  to  L.)     Pygmalion  and  Galatea? 

DUNN.    Was  that  it? 

CORN.  Yes!  Lovely  girl,  Galatea.  Never  saw  any- 
thing like  her  as  the  Statue. 

DUNN,  (starting  up)  Statue!  WThat's  the  matter 
•with  the  Statue?  (rushing  to  screen,  meets  CARRIE, 
who  enters  L.  c.,  coming  front  screen)  Eh!  Ha!  Ha! 
And  did  you  enjoy  it,  Carrie? 

CAR.  (R.  c. )  Very  much,  Peter!  (HELEN  enters  L.  c., 
remains  up  c.) 

DUNN,  (wild  and  exhausted  ivith  worry)  Ah!  How 
interesting  those  old  legends  are;  how  beautiful  the 
revive — animating — of  the  Statue!  And  if  you  were 
told  of  such  a  wonder  now-a-days,  you — you  wouldn't 
believe  it  perhaps. 


XIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  20 

Music  till  end  of  act.     Comic  Agitato. 

HEL.  (coming  down  c.)  Now-a-days,  nor  any  other 
time.  No  woman  of  ordinary  intelligence  could  he  de- 
ceived by  such  a  story. 

Duxx  back  to  audience  R.  c.,  looking  anxiously  from  one 
to  the  other. 

CORX.  (L.  of  table  near  IXXIXGS)  And  what's  your 
idea  of  Galatea? 

HEL.  (going  towards  chair  R.  of  table)  That  she  was 
some  infamous  creature  whom  Pygmalion  had  brought 
into  his  household;  and  that  the  Statue  tale,  was  made 
up  to  hoodwink  his  confiding  wife,  (sits) 

CAR.     Ah!!     Quite  possible. 

CARRIE  back  of  sofa. 

Drxx.  (falling  on  stool  front  of  couch)  No  use!  I 
knew  the  truth  was  no  use. 

NIOBE  enters  R.  c.  in  en  eccentric  but  stylish  tea  robe. 

Nio.  (speaking  as  she  advances  c.)  I  have  obeyed 
you,  Petramos,  and  I  am  here —  (all  turn  to  her) 

Duxx  rises  frightened,  getting  R.  of  NIOBE. 

HEL.     Who  is  this? 

Dr. NX.  (R.  c. — introducing)  The  new  Governess, 
Miss  Mifton! 

Coux.     Miss  Mifton 

Ixx.     There!     I  told  you  so! 

Looks  at  IXXIXGS  and  falls  into  chair  L.  of  table,  the 
others  grouped,  scrutinizing  NIOBE. 

Nio.     (with  her  accustomed  action)     Hail  to  you! 
PICTURE.     CURTAIN. 
ACT   II. 

THE    XEXT    MORXIXG. 

SCEXE. — Drxx's  drawing-room,  the  opposite  end  to  Act 
I.     Conservatory  with  steps  at  back  c.     Bay  window 


.30  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

R.  Plain  window  or  blank  piece  above.  Blank  piece 
or  Alcove  L.  Door  above  to  Library.  Table  R.  c.  ivith 
chairs.  Couch  L.  Footstool  L.  c.  '  Screen  is  not  on; 
is  supposed  to  be  at  audience  side  of  room.  Piano 
against  flat.  Paper  on  table. 

HELEN  up  c.  and  CARRIE  at  icindow  R.  dressed  for  icalk- 
ing;  discovered  interviewing  MARY,  up  L.  c. 

HEL.  Can.  you  not  tell  us  Mary,  at  what  hour  she 
came? 

MARY.  I  don't  know,  ma'am — I  didn't  hear  her  come 
and  I  didn't  let  her  in. 

HEL.     You  hear  Carrie,  he  let  her  in  himself. 

CAR.  (R.  c.)  I  don't  see  why  we  should  attach  any 
importance  to  that! 

MARY.  No  Ma'am,  for  she  might  have  got  in  by  her- 
self; she  is  the  strangest  person  I  ever  met,  Ma'am. 

HEL.     In  what  way? 

HATTIE  enters  L.,  goes  to  couch,  playing  with  mechan- 
ical toy. 

MARY.  Why,  the  name  she  gives  things.  She  asked 
me  at  breakfast  to  hand  her  the  Mazas,  and  when  I 
didn't  understand  her,  she  called  me  Helot,  and  pointed 
to  the  muffins. 

HAT.  If  you're  talking  about  Miss  Mifton,  she  is  a 
treat.  She's  got  a  new  name  for  sausages. 

CAR.     If  she  will  only  be  good  to  the  children. 

HAT.  You  needn't  worry  about  that.  If  you'd  seen 
the  way  she  wept  over  them,  and  kissed  and  fondled 
them.  And  called  them  Hippicus  and  Alophagos. 

HEL.     (sternly)     Who  are  they? 

HAT.  Oh,  I  didn't  like  to  ask — some  connections  of 
her  own,  perhaps. 

HEL.  No  doubt!  They  are  sufficiently  outlandish;  the 
idea  of  a  Governess,  wandering  about  the  house  in  an 
extravagant  tea  gown;  impertinence  I  call  it. 

MARY.  I  suppose  we're  to  take  our  orders  from  you 
as  usual,  Mum? 

HEL.     Yes!      Certainly! 

MARY.  Thank  ye!  I  don't  want  to  have  that  person 
lording  it  over  me. 

MABY  exits  L.  D.  with  an  indignant  toss  of  her  head. 
CAR.     (R.)     She's  no  doubt  one  of  those  highly  emo- 


NIC-BE,  ALL  SMILES.  31 

tional  creatures,  who  grow  hysterical  at  almost  any- 
thing. 

HEL.  (coming  slightly  forward)  Carrie,  you're  so 
confiding;  such  affectation  wouldn't  suit  inc. 

CAR.  But  you  always  were  superior  to  ordinary 
woman's  weakness. 

HAT.  Weakness!  Oh,  there's  no  flipperty  flop  about 
Helen. 

HEL.  (advances  towards  HATTIE)  Hattie!  When 
you  are  more  like  me,  you  will  have  more  cause  for 
self-respect. 

HAT.     Oh!     I've  nothing  against  myself  as  I  am. 

CAR.  When  we  return  you  must  examine  her  Helen, 
and  find  out  if  she  is  competent  to  teach  the  children. 

HEL.  I  will,  but  take  my  word  for  it,  the  Woman  is 
a  fraud.  She  knows  nothing  that  is  desirable.  In 
knowledge  and  learning  she  is  little  better  than  an 
idiot;  I  could  see  that  in  her  face  last  night. 

HAT.     Helen's  a  judge  of  idiots. 

HEL.  Hattie!  You're  growing  more  impudent  every 
day. 

HAT.     Well,  if  I  keep  on,  I'll  grow  out  of  it. 

CAR.  I  wonder  when  Peter  saw  her  at  Chester  that 
he  wasn't  impressed  with  her  appearance. 

HEL.      (with  malicious  meaning)     Perhaps  he  was! 

CAR.  She  might  be  the  advanced  guard  of  a  gang  of 
thieves,  and  Peter  has  some  such  thought,  perhaps,  as 
he  has  not  gone  to  the  office. 

HEL.  Your  confiding  nature  does  you  credit,  Carrie, 
but  you  are  too  ingenuous.  He  may  be  actuated  by  mo- 
tives far  less  praiseworthy. 

CAR.     What  do  you  mean,  Helen? 

HEL.  I  would  not  say  Carrie,  for  I  make  it  a  rule 
never  to  stir  up  ill  feeling  between  man  and  wife. 
(going  up  c.) 

Enter  INNINGS. 

I  NX.  (on  steps)  Good  morning,  Ladies!  Corney 
gone  out  yet? 

CAR.  He  is  still  engaged  with  his  breakfast.  He  is 
always  late  after  a  Theatre  night. 

CARRIE  exits  c.  and  R. 

HEL.  (severely  and  pointedly)  His  indolence  is  a 
source  of  great  inconvenience  to  us  all. 

HELEN  exits  c.  and  R.     INNINGS  looking  at  HATTIE  on 
sofa — crosses  to  window,  putting  hat  on  chair  B.   of 


32  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

table  in  recess  of  window,  produces  "box  of  chocolate.1} 
which  he  places  ready  for  business  later;  then,  half 
frightened,  gets  extreme  K.  at  window. 

INN     (E.)     They're  gone! 

HAT.  (on  sofa)  Yes!  I  see  they  are!  You  didn't 
intend  that  for  information  did  you?  It  was  only — 
only  just  a  something  to  say — to — fill  up  a  page  kind  of 
remark,  wasn't  it? 

INN.  (at  window)  That's  all — simply  to  call  your  at- 
tention to  the  fact  that  we  are  alone. 

HAT.  Oh,  you  needn't  have  called;  my  attention  was 
rivetted; — but  I  don't  feel  in  the  least  embarrassed; 
do  you? 

INN.     No! 

HAT.  Well — why  aren't  you  embarrassed?  (rises, 
coming  to  c.) 

INN.  Don't  see  what  there  is  about  you  to  frighten  a 
fellow. 

HAT.  I  don't  believe  you're  so  bold  as  you  pretend; 
judging  from  the  respectful  distance  you  keep. 

INN.     Don't  you  want  me  to  be  respectful? 

HAT.     Why  of  course,  but  you  needn't  be  distant. 

INN.  (crosses  slowly  to  her)  If  I  thought' by  coming 
nearer,  I  should  be  getting  dearer 

HAT.  Wouldn't  you  be  getting  costly?  You're  pretty 
near  now! 

INN.  (B.  c. — getting  closer  to  HATTIE;  HAT.  bus. ) 
So  are  you,  Hattie.  You're  pretty  near  and  pretty  far, 
but  the  nearer  I  am  the  sweeter  you  are.  Ha!  Ha! 

HAT.  Oh!  You  don't  natter  yourself  much  to  think 
that  your  proximity  makes  me  sweeter. 

Sarcastically;  turning  from  him. 

INN.     To  me!     I  mean  in  my  opinion!     Oh,  Hattie! 

HAT.  (quickly)  What  is  it,  Philip?  (whisking 
round) 

INN.  (turning  away)  I  wonder  how  long  Corney 
usually  takes  over  his  breakfast. 

HAT.  Oh,  I  can  go  and  ask  him,  if  that's  all  you  want 
to  know. 

HATTIE  going  up  L. 

INN.  (pulling  her  back  by  her  dress;  she  in  mis- 
chief runs  for  chair,  trying  to  sit  upon  his  hat,  which 
he  saves)  Oh,  Hattie!  oh  my!  oh  I — I  don't  want  to- 
know  particularly. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  33 

COBNEY  enters  quietly  from  Library  up  L.,   sees   them 
and  goes  out  again. 

It's  good  enough  to  stay  here  and  go  on  wondering 

— with  you.  Of  course — I  don't  want  to  wonder  by 
myself.  Oh,  Rattle! 

HAT.     Oh,   Mr.   Innings,  (gushingly) 

INNINGS,  kneeling  beside  HATTIE,  embraces  her;  CORXEY 
sings  outside;  HATTIE  and  INNINGS  hurriedly  get  away 
from  each  other;  HATTIE  goes  and  sits  on  couch  L.; 
INNINGS  goes  extreme  B.  to  windoiv  recess. 

CORN,     (entering  L.  and  down  c.;  sings) 
"  When  the  heart  in  palpitating  is  impressed  with  fear, 
You're  pleased  to  find  a  being  where  there's  no  one  near 
And  whisper  foolish  nothings  no  one  else  may  hear, 
That  is  love!     That  is  love!  " 

Do  you  know,  Phil,  I've  been  haunted  by  that  song 
ever  since  you  started  me  at  it;  Hattie's  crazed  on  it 
too. 

HAT.     Oh,  Corney!     Why  I'm  only  learning  it. 

CORN.  Yes,  but  you've  nearly  mastered  it  I  can  see. 
(looks  at  INNINGS)  I  interrupted  your  practice,  didn't  I? 

HAT.  (impertinently  up  in  his  face)  I  don't  under- 
stand. 

CORN,  (pushing  her  up  c.)  Oh,  yes  you  do!  See  if 
you  can  find  my  cigar  case  in  the  Conservatory;  I  rather 
fancy  I  left  it  there  last  night. 

CORNEY  turns  down  stage  L.;  INNINGS  gives  HATTIE  &oor 
of  chocolates  quickly;  as  COBNEY  turns  on  exclamation 
they  separate. 

HAT.  Oh  chocks!  (to  INNINGS)  We  can  resume  our 
conversation  some  other  time,  Mr.  Innings. 

INN.  I  was  going  to  ask  you  if  we  couldn't,  and  will 
you  please  make  a  note  of  where  we  left  off? 

HAT.     (sings)     "  And  whisper  foolish  nothings  no  one 
else  may  hear. 
That  is  love!    That  is "    Ugh!     (at  COBNEY) 

INNINGS  stands  up  c.  looking  after  HATTIE,  throwing 
kisses  to  her — echo's  "That  is  love — That  is " 

CORN,  (after  watching  INNINGS,  swings  down  stage 
near  couch)  Come  here  Phil!  Never  mind  Hattie, 
she'll  keep.  Anything  fresh?  Have  you  learnt  anything 
new? 


34:  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

INN.  There's  nothing  new  to  learn  that  I  can  see. 
Madeline  Mifton's  here,  and  you've  got  to  prepare  for 
the  worst,  (lies  on  couch  putting  his  legs  up. 

CORN,  (c.)  It  is  the  most  striking  coincidence  I 
ever  heard  of;  that  the  sister  of  the  girl  I  jilted  should 
take  the  place  of  Governess,  and  come  here,  by  the 
merest  accident. 

INN.     Do  you  suppose  it  was  accident? 

CORN.  Oh,  come  Phil — you  don't  think  it  was  de- 
sign? 

INN.  I  do!  Didn't  I  tell  you  last  evening  that  she 
was  coming  to  London  to  hunt  you  down? 

CORN.  Yes!  But  who  could  realize  such  persistency 
outside  a  Goboriau  Novel. 

INN.     Have  you  seen  her  yet? 

CORN.  Not  this  morning — she's  in  the  nursery  with 
the  children.  She's  very  like  her  sister.  There's  some- 
thing wierd  about  her,  but  the  exact  type  of  features. 
(crosses  R.  c.) 

INN.  What  do  you  intend  to  do?  Have  you  made  up 
your  mind? 

CORN.  Yes!  (crossing  back  to  him)  I've  decided 
to  get  you  to  talk  to  her,  Phil 

INN.     (sits  up)     Me? 

CORN.  You  can  give  it  her  straight — show  her  clearly 
that  I  was  cajoled  into  proposing  to  her  sister,  that  it 
was  really  Ethel's  fault,  and  that  she's  entirely  to  blame 
for  the  whole  business,  and  there  you  are! 

INN.  I  couldn't  do  it;  it  doesn't  seem  nice  to  throw 
all  the  blame  on  to  the  girl. 

CORN.  It  belongs  to  her,  Phil — besides,  my  boy,  you 
know  that  the  least  thing  upsets  me.  I  cannot  stand 
worry;  now  you  can;  (INNINGS  rises)  you  have  one  of 
those  oxydised-zinc  constitutions. 

INN.  No,  I  haven't!  I'm  just  as  susceptible  to  worry 
as  you. 

CORN.    You  mean  to  say  you  won't  do  it? 

INN.    No!     I  can't! 

CORN.    You   can't? 

INN.  (emphatically)  No!  Damn!  there!  I  don't  see 
•why  I  should,  (crosses  R.  and  round  table) 

CORN.  Oh,  well,  then,  Peter  will  have  to  do  it.  I'll 
get  Peter  to  talk  to  her.  (goes  L.) 

INN.     (up  R.)     That's  the  best  way.     He  won't  mind. 

Enter  DUNN  from  Library  L.  n.  with  scent  bottle,  pale 
and  careworn,  crosses  and  sits  on  chair  L.  of  table. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  35 

CORN.  I'd  rather  you  did  it;  because  I  shall  have  to 
disclose  the  whole  escapade  to  Peter.  And  he  hasn't 
a  particularly  good  opinion  of  me  as  it  is. 

INN.  I  doubt  if  he  could  have  a  worse,  so  it  can't 
make  much  difference. 

CORN,  (seeing  DUNN)  Good  morning,  Peter —  (DUNN 
scowls  at  him)  Seen  you  before  though,  haven't  I?  (to 
INNINGS)  Peter  looks  jolly,  doesn't  he?  Innings,  you'll 
find  Hattie  in  the  Conservatory  looking  for  my  cigar 
case,  which  I  have  in  my  pocket. 

INN.  All  right!  I'll  see  if  we  can't  resume  that  con- 
versation where  you  broke  in  on  it;  (sings)  "And 
whisper  foolish  nothings,  no  one  else  may  hear,  That  is 
love!  That  is "  (voice  cracks) 

INNINGS  exits  c.  and  R. 

CORN,  (after  slight  pause — looks  at  DUNN)  Peter, 
old  man!  You  don't  look  well. 

DUNN.  I  don't  feel  well;  I've  been  walking  my  room 
the  whole  of  the  night.  I  haven't  slept  a  wink. 

CORN.  Neither  have  I;  but  sleeplessness  doesn't  break 
me  up  nearly  so  quickly  as  worry.  /  cannot  stand 
worry;  and  that  is  why  I  want  to  speak  with  you  about 
this  new  Governess. 

DUNN,  (startled)  What!  Why  should  there  be  any 
worry  about  the  new  Governess?  (aside)  Can  he  sus- 
pect— 

CORN.  It's  no  use  trying  to  disguise  it,  Peter,  she  is 
not  what  she  seems. 

DUNN,     (amazed  and  frightened)     Not  what  she 

CORN.  She  hasn't  come  here  to  teach  the  children 
at  all. 

DUNN,  (rising)  Great  goodness,  how  did  he  learn 
this!  (aside) 

CORN.  It  was  hard  to  believe,  but  a  good  look  at  her 
face  settled  it;  she's  the  very  image 

DUNN.     Image!      (aside)     He  knows  all.     (crosses  L.) 

CORN.  I'm  pretty  shrewd  Peter,  and  I  suspect  I've 
summed  up  the  whole  business. 

DUNN,  (aside)  Oh!  He's  not  sure,  then  I  won't  be- 
tray myself.  I'll  brazen  it  out.  (sits  on  couch) 

CORN,  (aside,  down  R.  c.)  If  I  could  only  induce 
him  to  get  rid  of  her,  without  disclosing  anything. 

DUNN,  (on  sofa)  I've  told  you  before  Corney,  how 
wrong  it  is  to  jump  to  these  conclusions;  you  may  mis- 
judge this  woman  and  her  purpose  and  object  entirely, 
and,  right  or  wrong,  Corney,  I'm  blameless. 


36  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CORN,  (aside)  Ah!  Peter  knows  she's  unpopular 
•with  the  women  and  that  the  blame  of  engaging  her  will, 
fall  upon  him.  (fetching  chair  from  table)  That's  all 
very  well  with  me,  Peter!  (puts  chair  near  couch  and 
sits  astride  it,  facing  audience.) 

DUNN,  (aside)  With  him!  That  means,  at  the  worst 
I  can  buy  him  off! 

CORN.  But  Helen  and  Carrie  are  prejudiced,  and  nat- 
urally perhaps.  You  can't  deny  there  is  something  un- 
canny about  the  woman. 

DUNN.  There  is  perhaps — a  stony  look  about  the 
eyes;  but  that  will  wear  off. 

CORN.  It's  hard  to  believe  that  she  is  of  the  same- 
clay  as  ourselves. 

DUNN.     Clay!     She  was  never  clay. 

CORN.     She  might  have  been  cast  in  a  different  mould. 

DUNN.     She's  not  a  casting  at  all — so 

CORN.  Of  course  there's  no  denying  she's  beautiful. 
But  I've  a  prejudice  against  these  classic  expressionless, 
women;  these  cold  'blocks  of  marble. 

DUNN,  (as  if  paralyzed)  Marble — you  do  know 
then 

CORN,     (looks  at  DUNN  quickly)     I  know  what  you- 
ougnt  to  have  known  the  moment  you   saw  her,  that 
she  was  not  the  sort  of  thing,  that — that — it  wouldn't, 
do  to  have  her  about  the  house. 

DUNN.  I  did  know  it,  Corney,  and  I  have  tried.  I 
"have  tried  to  get  her  away,  but  I  can't. 

CORN.  Obdurate  and  unforgiving,  eh?  As  I  sus- 
pected; she  has  a  heart  of  stone. 

DUNN.  Well,  she  had;  of  course  that  was  changed 
with  the  other  alterations. 

CORN,  (rises  and  puts  chair  back  by  table)  What? 
She  relents?  She  wavers  in  her  purpose?  Then  let 
her  go.  The  matter's  simple  enough:  pack  her  off! 

DUNN,     (rises)     But  I  can't!     It's  all  so  brutal. 

CORN,  (with  foot  on  stool)  Oh,  she's  told  you  the 
whole  story,  eh?  but  remember  my  version  will  put  an 
entirely  different  light  on  it.  And  yet  out  of  cold-blooded 
vindictiveness  she  comes  here  to  ruin  me  with  Bea  and 
Sillocks. 

DUNN,  (putting  foot  on  stool;  looks  puzzled  at  COR- 
NET— pause)  Have  you  met  her  before?  Have  you  got 
that  former  existence  theory? 

CORN.  If  you  call  a  year  ago  a  former  existence! 
( CORNET  turns  going  R.) 

DUNN.     A  year  ago!      (stumbles  over  stool) 

CORN.    Yes!    When  I  broke  off  with  her. 


NIC-BE,  ALL  SMILES.  37 

DUNN.  Broke  off!  (aside)  I  didn't  notice  she  had 
anything  missing. 

CORN.     Broke  off  my  engagement  with  her  sister. 

DUNN,     (perplexed)     Whose  sister? 

CORN.  Mifton's  sister,  whom  I  met  at  Cambridge. 
[(goes  R.) 

DUNN,  (aside)  He's  on  the  wrong  tack;  Heavens! 
.What  a  pitfall  I  nearly  fell  into!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha! 

DUNN  goes  up  c.,   laughing  heartily. 

CORN,  (meeting  DUNN  up  c.)  Don't  laugh!  Don't 
laugh!  I  tell  you 

DUNN.  It's  too  bad  Corney;  to  let  you  indulge  in  all 
this  unnecessary  worry,  but  your  fears  are  quite  ground- 
less. The  new  Governess,  Madeline  Mifton,  never  heard 
of  you  till  last  evening. 

CORN.  I  know  better,  Peter!  She  came  here  in  her 
sister's  interest,  to  hunt  me  down. 

DUNN.     Nothing  of  the  kind. 

CORN.  I  tell  you  I  learnt,  on  the  best  of  authority, 
that  Madeline  Mifton  would  certainly  come  here  for  the 
purpose  of  going  for  me.  (crosses  L.) 

DUNN,  (dropping  into  chair  R.  E.)  Great  goodness! 
I'm  forgetting  she  will  be  here.  The  new  Governess, 
and  what  will  happen  then?  What  will  happen  then? 

MARY,  (enters  from  Library  L.  u.  E.)  The  Locksmith 
is  in  the  Library  Sir,  to  know  what  is  to  be  done. 

DUNN,  (looking  at  audience  as  if  for  screen)  Oh, 
the  lock  and  staple  for  the  screen;  I'll  explain  it  to  him, 
myself.  Tell  the  Governess  I  wish  to  speak  to  her. 

MARY  exits  c.  and  R.  up  steps. 

CORN,  (going  up  c.)  No!  Never  mind,  Peter — I'll 
tackle  her  myself. 

DUXN.  (stopping  him  c.)  What  for?  when  I  tell  you 
there's  no  occasion. 

CORN.  Well,  I'm  not  so  sure  of  that;  and  I'll  satisfy 
myself.  There's  some  mystery  connected  with  her. 
And  I'll  find  out  why  and  how  she  came;  and  all  about 
her.  (crosses  R. ) 

DUNN.  No!  No!  Don't  you  meedle  or  you'll  ruin 
everything!  (aside)  He  must  not  see  Niobe  till  I  have 
-warned  her.  I'll  run  and  see  that  locksmith  and  hurry 
back.  You  remain  quiet  and  I'll  find  out  if  you  have 
any  cause  for  fear.  Don't  interfere,  or  you'll  spoil 
•everything.  Leave  her  to  me.  She's  a  peculiar  woman, 


38  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

"but  I  think  I  understand  her.  She's  a  tcoman  of  the- 
world  undoubtedly,  but  a  little  after  date.  Leave  her 
to  me.  Leave  her  to  me! 

Exit  DUNN  to  Library  L.  D. 

COBN.  He  seems  so  particularly  anxious  I  should 
leave  it  to  him,  I  don't  think  it  good  enough;  I  would 
always  rather  that  somebody  else  should  manage  any 
little  unpleasantness  for  me,  but  I  like  to  feel  sure  that 
they're  not  working  some  little  purpose  of  their  own. 

Enter  NIOBE   c.    and   L.    as   if   looking   for   some   one;: 

comes  E. 
Ah!     Here  she  is — good  morning,  Miss  Mifton! 

Nio.  (on  steps,  waving  her  hands)  Hail  to  you! 
(comes  down)  Where  is  he  whom  they  call  master? 
The  lord  of  this  house? 

CORN,  (aside)  Umph!  A  poetic  blank  verse  kind 
of  character —  (aloud)  Oh,  Peter! 

Nio.     (fondly)     Ah!      Petramos! 

Goes  down  L.  in  front  of  couch. 

CORN.  Yes,  if  you  put  it  that  way;  he'll  be  here  in  a 
moment,  Miss  Mifton.  Make  yourself  at  home;  take  a 
chair,  be  seated. 

He  goes  to  L.  of  table;  his  back  to  her  as  if  to  offer 
chair. 

Nio.    Nay,  I  am  easier  thus. 

Flops  on  floor  with  head  supported  on  footstool;  COR- 
NEY  turns  and  sees  her  on  floor;  staggered!  he  puts 
up  eye  glass. 

CORN,  (aside)  She's  a  decidedly  eccentric  creature — 
I  hardly  know  how  to  begin  with  her;  (aloud — stooping 
down)  I  hope  you  find  no  trouble  with  the  children. 

Nio.  To  love  is  not  a  trouble,  and  they  are  so  like 
Petramos. 

CORN,  (slight  pause,  he  turns  away  slightly)  She 
seems  partial  enough  to  Peter —  (aloud — stooping  down 
to  her)  Ahem!  How — how  did  you  come  to  hear  of  this, 
place?  Was  it  by  accident — quite  by  chance  you  came 
here? 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  3<> 

Nio.     (looks  round)     By  chance?    Ah,  yes! 

CORN.  Ah  yes!  You  had  no —  (bends  down — hurts 
back — gets  chair  from  table,  sits  B.,  and  stoops)  You 
had  no  purpose  beyond  the  ostensible — one — of  occupy- 
ing— the  situation — you  had — accepted.  (speech  dis- 
jointed and  jerky) 

Nio.  Your  speech  is  meaningless;  to  me  but  the 
empty  rattle  of  a  falling  can. 

Posing  face  in  hands,  elbows  on  stool. 

CORN,  (after  regarding  her  suspiciously,  turns  to  B.) 
She's  frank  to  a  degree —  (aloud — stooping)  Ahem! 
You  did  not  expect — you  had  no  thought  of  finding  me 
here? 

Spoken  in  a  conciliatory  tone,  trying  to  be  agreeable. 

Nio.  (after  regarding  CORNET  disdainfully — per- 
plexed) I'd  rather  Petramos  should  tell  me  what  to  say. 

COBN.  (rises  and  goes  step  to  R.  ;  aside)  Can  she 
have  confided  the  affair  to  Peter,  and  is  this  just  sim- 
plicity, or  only  cunning? 

Nio.  If  you  like  best  conversing  with  yourself,  I 
shall  not  miss  your  chatter. 

COBN.  (quickly  recovering  himself)  I  beg  your  par- 
don! She  isn't  such  a  fool;  (sits  again,  crosses  legs) 
Excuse  me.  You  find  a  great  change,  I  suppose? 

Nio.  Ah  yes!  All  things  are  changed,  even  men  are 
not  as  they  were.  Why  do  you  hide  your  legs  in  those 
loose  sleeves? 

CORN,  (looks  at  his  trousers,  tries  to  hide  his  legs — 
aside)  She  must  have  lived  among  the  savages,  she's 
a  Highlander  perhaps!  I  thought  you  belonged  to  Cam- 
bridge. 

Nio.  I  was  born  in  Athens,  but  I  left  it  when  I  mar- 
ried. 

CORN.     (R.  c.)     You  are  married  then? 

Nio.  (beginning  to  cry)  I  was!  Oh — Amphion!! 
(cries  on  footstool) 

COBN.  Oh!  I  beg  your  pardon — your  husband  is 
dead?  (stooping  to  speak  to  her) 

Nio.     More  years  than  I  can  count,     (sobbing) 

CORN.  Ah!  You  don't  look  your  age.  She's  trying 
the  idiotic  dodge  again,  (stooping)  Ahem!  When  did 
you —  (gets  twinge  again  with  bending,  puts  away 
chair  and  fetches  low  occasional  chair  from  back  of 
stage,  sits  close  to  her  and  stoops)  When  did  you  see 
your  sister  last? 


40  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

Nio.  (sits  up)  At  the  Feast  of  Demeter,  on  the 
Temple  steps. 

CORN.  Temple  steps!  Taking  the  Battersea  boat 
perhaps!  How  did  you  leave  her? 

Nio.  In  sorrow.  She  had  been  early  plighted  to  a 
young  Jioplite  of  Ithaca,  named  Aulakes. 

CORN.  Hoplite!  A  dancing  master  I  suppose.  It's  the 
first  I've  heard  of  this;  she  may  betray  more  of  Ethel's 
secrets!  (aloud)  And  what —  (trying  to  get  lower,  and 
sees  stool,  NIOBE  sitting  up,  has  left  room  for  him,  he 
steps  over  stool  and  sits)  What  became  of  the  young 
fellow? 

Nio.  He  fought  throughout  the  war  and  fell  in  the 
last  battle. 

CORN,  (aside — surprised)  Ethel  can't  be  the  Spring 
chicken  I  believed  her.  (aloud)  You  were  younger 
than  your  sister? 

Nio.    Ah  yes! 

CORN.  Ah  yes — I  can  see  a  resemblance,  but  a  dif- 
ference; she  might  be  called  handsome — you're  pretty. 

Nio.     Why  not?    Mother  was  as  fair  as  Helen. 

CORN.  Our  Helen!  Oh:  I  don't  think  much  of  her 
as  a  beauty. 

Enter  DUNN  hurriedly — he  sees  them,  when  he  reaches 
c.,  falls  into  low  chair. 

Nio.  (rises  on  one  Jcnee  as  she  sees  PETER)  Ah! 
Here  is  Petramos!  And  I  no  longer  wish  to  talk  with 
you. 

NIOBE  rises  and  goes  L.;   PETER  affects  indifference. 
CORN,     (rises)     That's  straight,  anyway,  but  what  she 

can  see  in  Peter  beats  me. 

DUNN,     (to  CORNEY)     You  didn't  say  anything  to  her? 

CORN.  No,  no!  I've  left  it  to  you!  (goes  up,  putting 
"back  chair) 

Nio.  (coming  towards  DUNN  c.)  He  has  perplexed 
and  frightened  me  with  questions. 

DUNN,     (c.,  turning  to  CORNET  R.)    Now  I  thought 

CORN,  (replacing  other  chair)  No,  no!  Merely  ordi- 
nary courtesies. 

Nio.  (very  affectionately)  I  have  no  fear  of  him 
now  you  are  here. 

Putting  her  arms  round  DUNN'S  neck  as  he  turns;  COR- 
NET, coming  forward,  sees  them  and  affects  to  be 
greatly  shocked,  hiding  -face  with  newspaper. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  ,  4^ 

Duxx.  (perplexed  and  affecting  light  indifference, 
trying  to  get  away  from  her)  Of  course  not,  there  is 
nothing  to  be  afraid  of,  (to  CORNEY)  She's  so  timid, 
you  see  Corney,  she — she — seems  to  think  everyone  is 
against  her. 

NIODE  looks  up,  their  faces  close  together. 

CORN,  (down  c.)  She  doesn't  seem  to  mind  you, 
Peter! 

DUNX.  No,  she's  quite  taken  to  me,  and  if  there  is 
anything,  Corney,  I'll  find  out  for  you.  She'll  tell  me! 

As  Duxx  turns  from  NIOBE  going  towards  CORNEY,  she 
keeps  him  back  with  her  arms  still  round  his  neck. 
He  breaks  away  and  she  goes  L. — DUNX  R. 

CORX.  Well,  I'll  leave  her  to  you —  (goes  up  L.  c.) 
I  confess  I  don't  know  what  to  make  of  her;  she  doesn't 
seem  the  kind  of  person  to  undertake  such  a  mission; 
a  resuscitated  mummy  couldn't  appear  more  ignorant 
of  the  world's  ways,  (aloud)  Peter!  Peter!  Hail  to 
you! 

CORNEY  exits  centre  to  R. 

Nio.  (following  him  up,  looks  off  L.,  then  turns  to 
DUNN)  Have  you  resolved  truth  shall  be  told,  and  all 
disclosed,  Petramos? 

DUNN.  Truth!  no!  I  took  a  feeler  at  that;  it  isn't 
to  be  thought  of. 

Nio.  (going  R.  c.  towards  DUNN)  As  my  lord  says — 
it  would  be  well,  then,  to  hire  some  slave  to  murder 
him  that's  gone!  (mysteriously  pointing  off  L.) 

DUNN.     Murder  Corney!      What  for? 

Nio.     He  will  betray. 

DUNX.     He  can't — he  doesn't  know! 

Nio.     But  he  suspects! 

Duxx.  Suspects  the  truth!  Ridiculous!  There  may 
be,  well  there  are — suspicions — but  they'll  never  take 
that  form;  and  the  only  difficulty  is  to  keep  up  some- 
thing that's  possible  of  belief  till  we  can  provide  for 
you,  or  hear  from  your  friends.  (R.  of  table) 

Nio.  (on  steps  c.)  Alas!  have  I  in  all  the  world  a 
friend? 

DUNN.  (L.  H.)  I  suppose  not!  We  might  go  round 
electrifying  all  the  Art  museums;  on  the  off  chance; 
there  may  be  friends  of  yours  in  Greece,  if  you  could 


42  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

only  go  back  to  Greece,  and  burrow  for  them,     (sits  n.) 

Nio.  (coming  back  of  table)  Zeus!  How  desolate 
I  am —  (to  DUNN)  Your  only  thought  is  to  be  rid  of 
me.  (weeps  on  table) 

DUNN.  (R.  of  table)  She's  at  it  again!  No,  I  don't 
wish  to  be  rid  of  you;  if  I  could  only  see  some  way  to 
manage  it— I  should  be  glad  for  you  to  remain. 

Nio.  (raising  her  head)  Could  I  not  stay  then,  as 
your  wife? 

DUNN  Umph!  If  I  wasn't  already  suited.  I've  told 
you  I  have  a  wife? 

Nio.     But  one!     The  law  of  Thebes  allows  two  wives. 

DUNN.  But  the  law  of  England  doesn't;  and  I  should 
consider  it  a  dangerous  experiment  if  it  did;  besides 
there  are  other  interests  in  the  concern.  My  wife  would 
be  sure  to  object;  and  her  sister  would  howl  with  indig- 
nation. (  crosses  L.,  up  stage  in  fear  of  interruption.) 

Nio.  The  sour  face!  (R.  c.)  We  could  invoke  the 
gods  to  strike  her  dumb. 

DUNN.  The  gods  don't  amount  to  a  row  of  pins,  or  I 
should  have  put  'em  on  to  Helen  long  ago!  (DUNN  sits 
on  footstool  c.)  You're  the  Governess,  that's  what 
they've  been  told  and  that's  what  we  have  to  keep  up; 
till  we  can  make  other  arrangements. 

Nio.     Say  clearly  then,  what  is  a  Governess? 

DUNN.  Oh!  a  Governess;  a  Governess,  is  one  who- 
governs,  according  to  the  orders  of  those  wno  govern 
her;  you  must  try  to  keep  up  an  appearance  of  meek- 
ness and  servility. 

Nio.     For  what? 

DUNN.  Because  you  won't  be  allowed  to  govern  un- 
less you  do. 

Nio.     (with  dignity)     I  am  a  Queen. 

DUNN.     Yes,  but  you  got  lost  in  the  shuffle!' 

Nio.     And  my  duties? 

DUNN.  To  trot  out  the  children,  and  pretend  to  teach, 
but  above  all  cringe  to  Helen — say  "  yes  Ma'am  " — al- 
ways— "  Yes  Ma'am." 

Nio..  (proudly)  "Yes  Ma'am,"  only  that,  "yes 
Ma'am?  " 

DUNN,  (rising)  Yes — but  not  in  that  way,  mind  the 
tone,  humbly;  "Yes  Ma'am."  (in  a  nasal  tone  and- 
with  a  bob  curtsey) 

Nio.  (after  wonderingly  regarding  DUNN,  imitates 
DUNN'S  manner)  "Yes  Ma'am!  " 

DUNN.  That's  better,  and  don't  call  me  Petramos, 
but,  Master,  "  the  Master,"  and  above  all,  don't  forget 
to  be  obsequious  to  Helen.  Agree  with  the  old  cat  in 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  43. 

all  things,  that's  very  important.      (DUNN  goes  up  L., 
watching) 

Nio.  I  shall  remember—  (goes  to  window  B.,  looks 
out  and  appears  delighted)  Ah  see!  See!  The  crowd! 
The  populace  are  out!  Why  do  they  hurry  so?  There 
is  no  dignity  in  all  this  haste. 

DUNN,  (sitting  on  couch  L.)  They're  not  out  for 
dignity,  there's  no  money  in  it;  we  haven't  time  for 
dignity  now-a-days. 

Nio.  (goes  back  to  window)  Look!  See!  What  are 
those  strange  chariots? 

DUNN.  Chariots?  (crossing  to  look  out)  Oh!  cabs! 
Growlers!  Growlers!  They  are  called  Growlers! 

Nio.  (following  DUNN  to  c.)  Growlers!  Growlers!! 
Oh,  could  they  not  be  changed? 

DUNN.  I'll  see  what  can  be  done  in  the  matter — 
(NIOBE  goes  back  to  window)  Go  up  to  the  nursery 
now,  the  children  will  be  getting  anxious  about  you. 

Nio.  (at  window  B.)  Look!  Look  Ixion;  the  man 
upon  the  wheel. 

DUNN.    Where!     Oh,  a  boy  on  a  bicycle!     Do  go! 

Postman's  knock  is  heard  thrice. 

Nio.  (coming  out  again)  Why  does  he  do  that,  is 
the  man  a  Herald? 

DUNN.     No,  a  letter  carrier — the  postman!     Postman! 

Nio.  Postman!  (pleased)  Ah!  The  Postman! 
(amused  at  the  sound,  repeats  "Postman"  as  she  goes 
to  window) 

DUNN.  If  she's  so  struck  on  the  postman,  what  will 
it  be  when  she  sees  a  policeman! 

Nio.  Oh,  how  they  sway!  Could  not  someone  teach 
them  how  to  walk?  The  Maidens  waddle,  like  web- 
footed  cranes. 

Imitating  a  modern  walk  to  L.  corner. 

DUNN.  Yes!  You've  got  it,  that's  it  (NIOBE  hurry- 
ing back  to  window,  DUNN  stops  her)  Look  at  'em  an- 
other time — go  to  the  nursery  now,  and  if  the  ladies, 
my  wife  or  her  sister,  send  for  you,  do  be  careful,  (put- 
ting her  up  L.  c.) 

Nio.  (returns)  I  will  bring  the  children  and  show 
how  much  they  love  me. 

DUNN.     (B.  c.)     No,  no!     They're  not  allowed  in  here. 

Nio.     (L.  c.)     Why,  are  they  not  yours? 

DUNN.     Yes,  but  I  never  attempt  to  prejudice  them  in 


41  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

jny  favour,  I'll  explain  to  you  another  time,  when  I'm 
not  so  busy;  I  have  to  telegraph  the  real  governess,  to 
-stop  away,  or  we  are  ruined. 

Nio.     I  don't  know  Telegraph — what  is  it,  Petramos? 

DUNN.  Why — oh — it's  a  machine — er — on  which  you 
tick,  tick,  tick,  tick  at  one  end,  and  the  same  tick  ticks 
-are  heard  at  the  other  end,  and  the  tick  ticks  tell  what- 
ever you  are  thinking,  to  the  party  you're  tick,  tick, 
ticking  to. 

Nio.  Oh  Petramos!  you  treat  me  like  a  child.  Am 
I  so  foolish  that  you  mock  my  ignorance? 

Weeps  and  falls  on  DUNN'S  shoulder,  embracing  him; 
CARRIE  and  HELEN  enter  at  back  c. 

DUNN.  She's  at  it  again.  Don't  cry — there's  no 
.money  in  it.  I  wasn't  fooling  you.  Cheer  up!  there's 
a  darling,  (stroking  her  hair)  Poor  little  woman! 
(CARRIE  down  K. ;  DUNN  sees  her,  pretends  not  to  see 
her)  My  dear  young  lady,  you  shall  be  treated  with 
every  kindness,  my  wife  is  gentleness  itself.  I'm  sure 
if  my  wife  were  here — oh,  you  are  there,  Caroline. 

CAR.     (R.,  indignantly)     Yes,  I  am  here! 

DUNN.     Come  to  this  poor  girl,  she's  homesick. 

HEL.  (coming  down  L.)  And  needs  consolation,  I  ob- 
serve. 

At  the  sound  of  HELEN'S  voice  NIOBE  recoils,  back  centre. 

Miss  Mifton,  will  you  leave  us? 

Nio.  Not  at  your  bidding!  If  he,  the  Master,  bids  me 
'go,  I  go — not  else.  I  wait  his  orders. 

HEL.  (crossing  R.  c.  to  CARRIE)  You'll  find  mine  are 
the  orders  that  are  observed  in  this  household,  and  you 
must  obey  them  if  you  wish  to  stay  with  us. 

Nio.  You  can't  suppose  I  wish  to  stay  with  you. 
(DUNN  has  gone  up  and  is  now  L. — to  DUNN)  You  Pet — 
the  Master — is  the  ruler  here. 

CAR.  (in  great  tribulation;  to  HELEN)  She  called 
him  pet. 

DUNN,  (crossing  back  of  NIOBE  R.  c.)  Yes!  yes!  but 
I  never  interfere  in  domestic  matters.  Mrs.  Dunn's  sis- 
ter manages  everything,  (aside  as  he  goes  back  L.) 
Don't  forget  what  I  told  you;  be  obsequious. 

Nio.  Ah,  that's  well  remembered.  (to  HELEN)  I 
had  forgotten;  I  am  to  be  obsequious  to  you;  Yes  Ma'am 
— and  cringe  to  you — "  Yes  Ma'am!  "  It  was  the  mas- 
ter's wish — agree  with  the  -old  cat  in  all  things,  yes 
JMa'am! 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  45. 

NIOBE  backing  up  stage  with  speech,  turns  and  exits 
c.  and  R. 

CAR.  (goes  up  c.,  looks  after  NIOBE — then  down  c. — 
to  DUNN,  who  in  desperation  is  strumming  on  the 
piano)  So  Peter!  you  are  prompting  her  to  deceit. 

DUNN.  (L.)  Deceit,  my  dear!  What!  Where's  the 
deceit?  (CARRIE  indignant,  crosses  R. ) 

HEL.  (coming  c.)  It's  true  there  was  little  show  of 
confusion,  in  spite  of  the  indelicacy  of  the  situation. 

DUNN.  What  indelicacy?  The  p-»or  girl  required 
soothing,  and  no  wonder;  you'd  make  a  chins  dog  home- 
sick. 

HEL.  It  did  not  take  you  long  to  acquire  an  interest 
in  this  person. 

DUNN.  What  d'ye  mean  by  acquiring  an  interest? 
She's  not  a  joint  stock  company! 

CAR.  (R.)  Oh,  Peter,  and  we  thought  it  was  illness 
kept  you  at  home. 

DUNN,     (crossing  to  CARRIE)     Carrie!     My  dear! 

HEL.  But  it's  obvious  now  why  you  stayed  away  from 
the  office. 

CAR.     And  she  is  no  prettier  than  I. 

HEL.     Some  men  are  captivated  by  impudence. 

DUNN,  (between  them)  It's  a  wonder  you've  re- 
mained single,  so  long. 

HEL.  I  have  too  constant  a  reminder  before  me  of 
the  mistake  of  married  life,  ever  to  venture. 

DUNN.  Oh!  The  venture  would  be — on  the  other 
side:  you  run  no  risk! 

CAR.  You  must  admit,  Peter,  that  this  woman,  the 
new  governess 

DUNN    impatient,    with   an   exclamation,    crosses   R.    to 
window. 

HEL.  Carrie,  don't  make  foolish  remarks  you  may  be 
sorry  for;  to  say  too  much  is  to  put  him  on  his  guard. 
Come —  (puts  CARRIE  over)  to  your  room — not  a  word — 
you're  excited.  I'll  keep  an  eye  on  this  Miss  Mifton. 

Exits,  folloicing  CARRIE  L.  D. 

DUNX  (taking  stage  R.  to  L.;  kicking  stool  away) 
Where  will  it  end?  What  am  I  to  do?  (sitting  on 
couch)  Send  off  that  infernal  Telegram  to  the  real 
governess.  She  must  be  detained  where  she  is  for  the 
present,  and  bought  off;  I  shall  have  to  go  to  Learning- 


40  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

ton,  see  her,  and  bribe  her  to  take  some  other  engage- 
ment, and  I  don't  know  how  I  am  to  do  it! 

Enter  INNINGS  c.  K. 

INN.     (coming  down)     If  I  can  find  Corney 

DUNN  (aside)  Ah!  Innings!  Here's  the  very  man! 
(DUNN  shakes  INNING'S  hand  bringing  him  down  on 
his  R.)  Innings,  how  are  you — glad  to  see  you!  I  don't 
know  that  I  ever  met  a  man  that  I  took  to  more  readily 
than  I  did  to  you. 

IN:S.  (R.  c.)  Ha!  Ha!  Well!  What  favour  do  you 
want  me  to  do  for  you? 

DUNN.     Favour!     Oh!     I  wanted  you  to  travel. 

INN.     Travel? 

DUNN.  Yes!  It  isn't  far!  You  have  lots  of  time  on 
your  hands. 

INN.  (R.  c.)  I  don't  travel  on  my  hands!  I  couldn't 
go  to-day.  To-morrow  early,  if  you  like? 

DUNN.  (L.  c.)  It  would  be  better  to-day,  but  to-mor- 
row will  do. 

IXN.  Have  I  nothing  to  do  but  travel?  Isn't  there 
an  object? 

DUNN.  Oh  yes!  I  can  trust  you  I  know.  I  want  you 
to  go  to  Leamington  for  me,  to  see  a  Miss  Mifton,  who 
is  coming  here  as  governess. 

INN.     Coming!     I  thought  she  was  here! 

DUN.  Eh!  Oh  no!  This  is  another  one,  she's  not 
the  same — that  is  a  different  one  to  the  other.  There 
are  lots  of  them  at  this  time  of  year;  the  woods  are  full 
of  'em. 

INN.     Of  what? 

DUNN.  Miftons!  (going  across  R.)  I'm  getting  so 
muddled,  I  have  to  send  a  telegram — I'll  explain  as  we 
go.  Give  me  your  arm.  (going  up  c.  arm  in  arm)  I'm 
bilious — I  mean  I'm  weak  this  morning.  I — oh  this  de- 
ception— there's  no  money  in  it. 

Enter  BEATRICE  c.  from  R.,  as  DUNN  and  INNINGS  are 
going  up. 

INN.     Good  morning,  Miss  Sillocks! 

DUNN.  Good  morning,  Bea.  Have  you  stepped  in  to 
see  Hattie?  (calls)  Hattie!  Hattie!  (turning  round 
with  INNINGS  on  his  arm)  You'll  find  her  in  the  Tele- 
graph office — back  in  a  jiffey!  Where  are  you  Innings? 
(turning)  Oh,  there  you  are.  Come  along! 


NIC-BE,  ALL  SMILES.  47 

DUNN  exits  with  INNINGS  c.  and  B. 
BEA.     (down  B.)     Something  has  excited  him. 
HATTIE  enters  L.  D. 

HAT.     Good  morning,  Bea! 

BEA.  (kissing  her)  Good  morning,  dear.  How  are 
the  babies? 

HAT.  Flourishing!  You  look  quite  serious  this 
morning!  What's  the  matter,  Bea? 

BEA.     (B.  c.)     I  have  had  a  shock. 

HAT.     (c.)     Galvanic? 

BEA.     No,   no!      Well,   an  unpleasantness — a  letter. 

HAT.     It  wasn't  from  Corney  then? 

BEA.     No!     From  a  Miss  MiftonT 

HAT.  Madeline  Mifton?  Why  it's  our  new  gov- 
erness! 

BEA.  (goes  c.)  But  she  writes  from  Chester.  See! 
there's  the  postmark. 

HAT.  (looking)  Why,  it's  three  weeks  old;  been  all 
over  the  country,  misdirected!  What's  in  it? 

BEA.  She  has  seen  something  of  my  intended  mar- 
riage with  Corney  in  some  of  the  Society  papers,  and 
asks  for  his  address. 

HAT.  That  is  suspicious,  isn't  it?  But  I  dare  say 
Corney  can  explain,  (aside)  He's  good  at  explaining — 
(aloud)  I  wouldn't  let  it  worry  me. 

BEA.  I  will  not,  if  Corney  assures  me  I've  no  reason 
to  mistrust. 

HAT.  Oh,  he'll  do  that!  Did  you  find  out  if  it's  true 
that  Peter  had  a  sister? 

BEA.  Oh  yes!  Papa  says  Mr.  Dunn's  sister  is  a  most 
charming  person. 

HAT.  Fancy  that!  and  I  never  even  heard  of  her; 
that's  Helen's  doings — (HELEN  speaks  off)  Mum!  She's 
here. 

HATTIE  and  BEATBICE  go  L.  to  couch,  as  HELEN  and  CAB- 
BIE enter  L.  D. 

HEL.  (c.)  Good  morning,  Miss  Sillocks!  How  is 
your  Papa? 

HAT.  Do  tell,  Bea.  Helen  has  great  interest  in  your 
papa,  he's  a  widower; — and  Helen  is  "  nuts  "  on  wid- 
owers. 

HEL.  Hattie!  Tell  the  new  Governess  we  wish  to 
see  her. 


48  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

HAT.  (L.)  Don't  get  excited  Bea.  She  is  prettyv 
but  I  don't  believe  she's  Corney's  kind. 

HATTIE  exits  up  steps  c.  and  R. 

CAR.  (crossing  R.)  We  have  engaged  a  Miss  Mif- 
ton  to  superintend  the  children's  education;  but  Heleu 
has  doubts  as  to  her  competency. 

HEL.  It  will  not  take  five  minutes  to  satisfy  our- 
selves; I'll  put  a  few  questions  to  her,  and  if  she  can- 
not answer  them  satisfactorily  a  fortnight's  wages,  in 
lieu  of  notice,  will  have  to  satisfy  her.  (sitting  R.  c., 
front  of  table;  CARRIE  sits  R.  of  HELEN) 

Enter  HATTIE  c.  from  R.,  NIOBE  following;  HATTIE  goes 
down  L.  to  BEA.;  NIOBE  c.,  top  of  steps. 

BEA.    What  a  lovely  woman!     Oh,  Hattie!     I  believe 
Corney  has  been  in  love  with  her. 
HAT.     Oh,  nonsense! 
Nio.     (on  steps)     Hail  to  you! 

HATTIE  and  BEA.   on  couch;  all  surprised;  NIOBE  ad- 
vances. 

CAR.     Sit  down,  Miss  Mifton! 

Nio.  Thank  you!  I  am  not  tired,  and  stand  to  take 
mine  ease. 

HEL.  I  wish  to  ask  you  a  few  questions,  Miss  Mifton, 
to  see  if  you  are  capable  of  the  training  and  instruction 
of  the  young.  You  write  and  cypher,  of  course?  I  need 
not  ask? 

Nio.  (standing  c.)  I  would  not  then.  Why  speak 
of  what  is  needless! 

HEL.  (after  business  of  looking  at  NIOBE)  What  is 
your  definition  of  Geography? 

Nio.  It  matters  not  since  I  am  authorized — to  bow 
my  will  to  yours;  what  you  would  have  it — say — and 
that  it  is. 

HELEN  turns  and  looks  at  CARRIE. 

HAT.  (laughing)  Just  the  thing  for  you  Helen;  you 
can  have  it  all  your  own  way,  (an  educational  Phono- 
graph). You  breathe  in  what  is  to  be  learned,  and  she'll 
breathe  it  out  again. 

HEL.  (R.  c. — to  CARRIE)  This  sounds  like  prevarica- 
tion, (to  NIOBE)  You  would  not  have  me  describe  the 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  49 

divisions  of  the  land  and  sea;  tell  you  the  names  of  the 
Continents. 

Nio.     Oh,  yes,  I  would;  that  is,  if  you  know  them. 

HEL.     Know  them  - 

HELEN   rising  —  CABRIE   calms   and  soothes   HELEN,   who 
again  sits. 

HAT.    Ha!    Ha!    She  doesn't!     She  doesn't! 

CAR.     Hattie!      Do  not  interrupt  the   examination. 

HEL.  (re-seated)  It's  not  a  question  of  what  /  know, 
Miss  Mifton,  I'll  undertake  to  say,  you  don't  know 
what  a  Continent  isf  (pause)  You  don't! 

Nio.  (c.)  I  don't!  I  was  to  agree  with  you  in  all 
things. 

HEL.  If  I  asked  you  to  name  the  Capital  of  Norway 
or  the  location  of  the  Red  Sea,  what  would  you  say? 

Nio.  (at  a  loss  —  pauses  —  then  in  imitation  of  DUNN'S 
voice,  curtseying)  Yes  Ma'am! 

HEL.  Do  you  call  that  an  answer?  (rises  angrily  — 
CARRIE  soothes  her) 

Nio.     Yes  Ma'am!     (HELEN  sits  again) 

BEA.  She  looks  intelligent;  this  must  be  all  pre- 
tence. 

CAB.  She  has  better  knowledge,  perhaps,  of  home  af- 
fairs. 

HEL.     (seated)     What  was  the  cause  of  the  last  War? 

Nio.  (c.,  confidently)  A  quarrel  which  broke  out, 
upon  the  rights  of  which  I  would  not  speak,  for  it  was 
ended  nearly  when  I  was  born. 

HEL.  (turns  slightly  from  NIOBE)  We  don't  want  to 
know  your  age. 

HAT.     How  many  years  did  it  last? 

Nio.    Ten! 

HAT.     Oh,  she  is  a  treat! 

HEL.    Be  quiet,  Hattie!     Can  you  play  the  Piano? 

Nio.     I  cannot  tell  you  that,  for  I  have  never  tried. 

HEL.     That's  meant  for  impudence,  I  suppose. 

Nio.     (confused  —  curtseying)     Yes  Ma'am! 

HEL.  (rising)  You  must  be  an  idiot,  or  it  is  possi- 
ble, you  believe  me  one? 

Nio.     (curtseying)     Yes  Ma'am! 


laughing;  HELEN  frowns,  falls  into  seat;  CARRIE 
rises;  enter  DUNN  c.,  endeavours  to  get  off  L.,  meets 
COBNEY  from  L.  D.  ;  DUNN  comes  down  L.  of  NIOBE; 
COBNEY  down  L.  to  BEA.  and  HATTIE;  BEATRICE  after- 
wards shows  COBNEY  letter,  COBNET  protesting  in 
pantomime. 


tjO  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CAR.  Peter!  Peter!  this  girl  appears  to  be  ignorant 
on  every  subject! 

DUNN.  (L.  c.)  Why,  of  course,  if  you've  been  asking 
her  things  she  doesn't  know! 

HEL.  (seated)  She  won't  do,  Peter.  Her  mind  is  a 
complete  blank. 

DUNN,  (crossing  to  HELEN)  Yes!  On  trivial  mod- 
ern accomplishments,  perhaps,  but — have  you  asked  her 
anything  about  Ancient  history? 

HEL.     No! 

DUNN.     Have  you  spoken  Greek  to  her? 

HEL.    No! 

DUNN.  I  thought  not!  Even  you  don't  know  every- 
thing, (as  DUNN  turns  to  NIOBE,  she  tries  to  embrace 
him;  he  avoids  her,  and  crosses  quickly  to  CORNEY) 
Corney,  ask  her  something  about  Ancient  history;  the 
more  Ancient  the  better. 

CORN.     (L.)     I've  forgotten  all  I  ever  knew. 

DUNN.  That  doesn't  matter,  she'll  answer  you  all 
right! 

CORN.    Where  was  Homer  born? 

Nio.     In  Scios! 

DUNN.     There  you  see!     First  go! 

CORN.  (L.  H.)  What  were  the — er — names  of  the 
nine  Muses? 

Nio.  (c.)  Clio,  Calliope,  Euterpe,  Erato,  Melpomene, 
Polyhymnia,  Terpsichore,  Thalia,  Urania. 

DUNN.  (crossing  to  HELEN)  Cyclopaedias!  What 
more  do  you  want? 

HEL.  (facing  audience)  What  good  will  it  do  the 
children  to  know  the  names  of  the  Muses? 

DUNN.  (R.  c.)  Oh,  I  beg  your  pardon!  We  don't 
pay  enough  attention  to  Ancient  history  now-a-days. 
(DUNN  crosses  again  to  CORNEY,  L.)  Corney,  speak 
Greek  to  her. 

HATTIE  and  BEATRICE  have  gone  up  c. 

CORN.  Can't!  "Hoi  polloi "  is  the  only  expression 
I  remember. 

DUNN.     Well,  go  on,  give  her  that! 

CORN.     Hoi   polloi! 

DUNN.  Hoi  polly!  Give  her  time — now — give  her 
time 

HEL.  She  is  no  use  whatever!  She  can't  even  play 
the  Piano. 

HAT.  (L.  c.)  How  do  you  know!  She  has  never 
tried. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  51 

exits  laughing,  with  BEATRICE  c.  and  R. 

DUNN,  (comes  down  L.  c.)  Well,  if  she  can't,  the 
Piano  is  not  so  very  desirable  for  young  children;  and 
she  may  be  great  on  the  Triangle  or  the  Jew's  harp. 

CORN.  And  no  doubt  Miss  Mifton  will  soon  learn  if 
you  insist  on  it.  (aside)  I  must  keep  the  right  side  of 
her. 

HEL.  (rises)  Absurd!  She  has  not  the  intelligence 
of  an  insect. 

Nio.  (c.)  It  is  not  a  necessity,  for  I  am  beautiful. 
It  is  such  as  you  who  need  intelligence. 

CORN.     Phew!     That's  a  facer! 

HEL.     (rises  fiercely)     Minx!     How  dare  you! 

Nio.  (clinging  to  DUNN  as  she  recoils  from  HELEN, 
to  L.  of  DUNN)  Petramos!  I  ask  protection  from  this 
Medusa! 

DUNN.     Of  course!      Yes!      Helen,   you're  too  severe. 

Nio.  (L.  c.,  rising)  Helen!  Ah!  Like  her  of  Troy, 
at  whom  the  finger  of  scandal  pointed,  (pose,  as  if  de- 
nouncing HELEN) 

HEL.     It  is  false!     The  story  is  untrue! 

CAR.     Be  calm,  Helen! 

DUNN  turns  up  c.,  back  to  audience,  shaking  with  laugh- 
ter. 

HEL.  (R.  c.)  How  dare  you  hint  at  scandal  against 
me;  but  such  innuendos  will  not  deter  me.  Peter!  This 
woman  leaves  this  house,  or  I  do! 

Nio.  (L.  c.)  Then  there  is  little  doubt  which  of  us 
two  will  go.  He'd  sooner  fifty  fold,  that  I  should  stay. 

DUNN,  (turning  round  c.)  I  must  endorse  that  tru- 
ism, if  it  ruins  me.  /  would!  Damme!  there!  (turns 
-again  up  stage) 

HEL.     Caroline,  you  hear! 

CAR.  (R.  c.)  Peter,  after  this  you  must  see  that  it 
is  absolutely  necessary  for  this  person  to  depart. 

CAKRIE  softs  in  HELEN'S  arms. 

CORN.  Confound  Helen!  Mifton  will  be  on  to  me 
next. 

Enter  INNINGS  from  L.  D.,  drops  down  L. 

HEL.  (R.  c.)  Carrie,  you  have  been  patient  and  long 
suffering,  but  there  is  a  limit. 


52  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

DUNN,  (c.)  Yes!  There  is  a  limit.  And  you've 
gone  it.  It's  my  say  now,  and  I  am  reckless,  and  may 
raise  the  devil! 

Nio.  (kneeling  and  clinging  to  him)  Petramos,  re- 
strain! Be  merciful!  Invoke  not  now  the  curses  of 
the  gods! 

DUNN.  Oh,  hang  the  gods!  Be  quiet,  you  only  make 
things  worse! 

Nio.  (bursting  into  tears,  rising  and  falling  on 
DUNN'S  neck)  Oh,  Petramos! 

CABBIE  sees  the  situation,  and  sobs  loudly. 

DUNN,     (c.)     She's  at  it  again! 

COBN.    It's  a  shame — poor  girl — why 

INN.  (aside  to  CORNEY)  Don't  waste  your  super- 
fluous sympathies,  that  is  not  Miss  Mifton  at  all. 

CORN.  What!  Can  it  be  the  women  are  right  in  their 
suspicions?  What  a  blackguard  Peter  is! 

HEL.  (embracing  CARRIE)  When  you  have  finished 
comforting  that  shameless  creature,  you  may  observe 
your  wife  needs  consolation. 

DUNN.  Certainly!  Corney!  comfort  my  wife,  can't 
you? 

CORN.  (L.  of  NIOBE)  Don't  try  to  make  me  a  party 
to  your  vile  intrigues!  (goes  to  L.  corner) 

DUNN.  What's  come  to  you?  (DUNN  tries  to  get  at 
CORNEY,  but  turns  back  to  CABBIE)  Listen  to  me,  Carrie! 
I  admit  circumstances  are 

CAB.     Go  away!     I  never  wish  to  speak  to  you  again! 

They  go  up  c.;  DUNN  going  L. ;  CARRIE  R. 

HEL.  (R.,  to  NIOBE)  Begone,  Hussy!  Leave  the 
House! 

Nio.  (c.)  Not  at  your  bidding.  Petramos  is  lord, 
and  Petramos  decrees  that  I  abide  with  him!  (as  if 
going  to  DUNN) 

OMNES.  (strong)  Oh,  Peter!!!  (NIOBE  gets  over 
E.,  up  stage) 

DUNN,  (wildly  excited,  coming  down  it.  c.)  In  a 
sense,  Miss  Mifton  is  right.  She  came  here  with  an  ir- 
reproachable character  and  the  highest  references,  and 
as  the  Master  of  the  house,  knowing  nothing  to  her  dis- 
credit, I  am  responsible  for  her.  Miss  Mifton  is  here 
and  for  the  present  must  remain,  (goes  to  B.  of  CORNEY) 

HAT.  (who  has  entered  c.  and  has  tried  to  get  a 
word  with  DUNN,  taking  up  DUNN'S  tone)  That's  what 
I  tell  her,  but  she  insists  it  can't  be. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  53 

HEL.     Of  whom  are  you  speaking? 
HAT.     The  lady  here,  who  is  asking  for  Mr.  Dunn. 
DUNN.     (L.  c.;  facing  audience)     What  lady?    What's 
"her  business?     Who  is  she? 

Turns  and  confronts  Miss  MIFTON,  who  has  entered  c. 
and  just  reached  L.  c. 

MIFT.     The  new  Governess,  Miss  Mifton! 

NIOBE  advances  R.  c.  close  to  Miss  MIFTON,  who  turns 
and  recognises  her  dress. 

DUNN.     (L.  c.)     The  other  Mifton! 
CORN.     (L.)     Another    Mifton! 
LADIES.     Two  Miftons!     What  infamy! 
(together) 

NIOBE  and  Miss  MIFTON  stand  looking  at  each  other; 
NIOBE  doing  her  usual  action  of  "Hail  to  you!"  Pic- 
ture of  consternation  and  surprise,  by  other  char- 
acters as  curtain  falls. 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


N.  B. — No  Second  Picture.     Company  Call. 

ACT  III. 
TIME. — The  same  day  as  Act  II.    A  few  hours  later. 

SCENE. — Another  side  of  the  same  room.  The  fireplace 
centre,  the  bay  window  cornerwise  L.  of  fireplace; 
the  hallway  R.  u.;  screen  below  it;  ichen  open,  covers 
a  door  down  R.;  couch  and  piano  off;  table  is  L.  c.; 
chairs,  etc.;  low  chair  at  a  small  table  against  scene 
down  L.;  fire  in  fireplace. 

HELEN  discovered  seated  R.  of  fireplace;  CARRIE  seated 
L.  ;   CORXEY,  back  to  fireplace,  standing  smoking. 

HEL.  (R.  c.,  seated)  There  is  nothing  left  us  but 
departure.  Mr.  Dunn's  falsehoods,  and  the  woman's 
shamelessness,  render  any  further  stay  impossible.  We 
are  decided  to  leave  his  roof. 

CORN.  Certainly!  Leave  him  the  entire  house;  you've 
raised  it  about  his  ears,  you  can't  do  more. 


5i  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CAR.     How  he  has  deceived  us! 

HEL.     What  lies  he  has  told  us. 

COBN.  Hasn't  he?  Beauties!  What  a  political  future 
for  a  man  who  could  lie  like  Peter! 

CAR.     I'm  appalled  to  find  he  is  so  wicked. 

CORN.  And  mad  to  think  you  never  suspected  him. 
You  feel  so  mean  at  having  been  fooled,  don't  you?  Why, 
I  positively  looked  up  to  him.  Ah!  It's  the  same  old 
story,  scores  of  presumably,  blameless,  spotless  men, 
only  waiting  to  be  found  out. 

CAR.  (rises)  We  cannot  longer  remain  under  the' 
same  roof  with  him. 

Doicn  to  table,  packing  trinkets  in  small  "bag  on  table. 
HELEN  rises  and  goes  to  cabinet  up  R. 

CORN.  Of  course  not,  and  the  only  question  is,  who's 
to  quit!  We  can,  but  why  shouldn't  he?  There's  four 
of  us,  and  only  one  of  him. 

HEL.  And  her,  the  woman,  (crossing  to  table  with 
small  vase) 

CORN.  Yes!  Well,  it  would  be  far  less  trouble  to  ar- 
range for  us  to  remain,  and  let  him  go,  and  take  her 
along  ivith  him. 

HEL.  AND  CAR.  (CARRIE  turning  quickly  from  win- 
dow) Corney!! 

HEL.  How  can  you  suggest  such  a  breach  of  pro- 
priety? (back  to  cabinet  for  another  small  treasure) 

CORN.  I  can't  see  that  it's  worse  than  leaving  them 
here.  Beside  it  would  save  the  inconvenience  of  pack- 
ing, and  as  far  as  I'm  concerned,  I  don't  relish  getting 
out  of  my  comfortable  quarters  for  a  trifle,  (sits  in 
chair  R.  of  fireplace,  stretching  himself) 

HELEN  crossing  to  table  L.  c.  with  vase — CARRIE  packing 
with  tissue  paper,  and  placing  in  bag  on  table. 

HEL.     A  trifle? 

CORN.    Well,  say  a  serious  little  thing! 

CAR.  She  is  not  a  serious  little  thing!  (CARRIE  rings 
bell  on  table  L.) 

CORN.  It's  foolish  to  hurry  our  departure  in  any  case. 
Give  them  time,  and  we  may  find  they  have  eloped,  and 
left  us  in  possession.  (CORNEY  gets  L.  of  fireplace  on 
MARY'S  entrance) 

CAR.  How  can  you  hint  at  anything  so  shocking? 
(at  table  L.,  getting  photo)  If  Peter  can  clear  himself,. 
I  will  give  him  one  more  opportunity. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  55 

HEL.  (taking  photo  out  of  CABRIE'S  hand)  And  one 
more  chance  for  new  and  greater  falsehoods,  (crosses 
back  to  cabinet  R.  and  puts  down  photo ,  MARY  enters 
from  hallway  R.,  front  of  them) 

CAR.     Where  is  Mr.  Dunn? 

MARY.     (R.  c.)     He's  gone,  Ma'am! 

CORN,     (rises  quickly)     There!     What  did  I  say? 

HEL.     (advancing  R.)     Gone!     Gone  where? 

MARY.     Gone  out,  Ma'am! 

CAR.     And  Miss  Mifton — is — she  in  the  house? 

MARY.  Yes  Ma'am,  both  of  them.  The  one,  the  first 
one,  was  on  the  pint  of  going  out,  but  Miss  Mifton,  the 
second,  stopped  her  and  says:  "No  you  don't,  not  in 
them  clothes;  take  my  frock  off,"  she  said,  and  the 
high  words  they've  been  having  you  might  have  heard 
down  here. 

HATTIE  enters  R.  c. 

HAT.  (R.  c.)  A  downright  quarrel  over  the  nursery 
table. 

CORN.  Well,  if  I'm  a  judge  of  character,  number  two 
could  hold  her  own. 

HAT.     Oh,  the  other's  no  duffer. 

HEL.  Hattie!  Such  language.  (MARY  exits  R.  to  hall- 
way) 

HAT.  She  has  such  dignity,  she's  withering.  She 
curled  the  new  one  up,  I  can  tell  you. 

HEL.     And  where  are  they  now? 

HAT.    Number  one  is  on  the  roof. 

INNINGS  enters  R. 

INN.  (entering)  I  say,  it's  awful,  you  know,  there's 
a  crowd  collecting  in  front  of  the  house;  I  think  they 
imagine  it's  a  sleep-walking  seance — 

Shouts  of  mob  off  L.;  all  run  to  window  except  INNINGS 
and  HATTIE. 

HEL.     (returning)     What  do  they  want? 
CORN.    What's  the  matter?    What  is  it? 
INN.     One  of  the  Miftons,  the  Governess,   is  on   the 
tiles. 

Shouts;   same  business  as  before. 

HEL.    What  a  disgrace! 

CAR.    What  is  she  doing  on  the  roof? 


56  NIC-BE,  ALL  SMILES. 

HAT.  I  don't  know,  the  step  ladder  was  there,  and 
she  ran  up  through  the  skylight,  she's  calling  out 
Phoebus!  Phoebus!  and  waving  her  arms  about  like 
this.  (HATTIE  down  R.,  and  comes  over  again) 

HEL.     Tell  her  to  come  down. 

CORN.  She  must  belong  to  some  new  sect  that  has 
taken  up  the  old  Pagan  idolatry. 

INN.     Yes!     That's  it!     She's  calling  on  the  gods. 

Shouts;  all  to  window  again. 

CAR.     But  why  up  there — why  upon  the  roof? 
HAT.     Thinks  she's  getting  nearer  to  'em,  up  there. 
CORN.     Tell  her  to  try  the  upper  story  of  a  residential 
flat. 
HAT.     Or  the  top  of  the  Eiffel  Tower. 

HATTIE  exits  to  hall  R.  u.  E. 

INN.  (following)  If  she  would  like  to  go  up  in  a 
balloon,  I  shall  be  delighted 

INNINGS  exits  R. 

HEL.     When  will  our  humiliation  cease?     (crosses  R.) 
Miss  MIFTON  enters  R.  u.  E. 

MIFT.  (R.  c.;  speaking  as  she  enters)  I  will  not 
put  up  with  it — you  will  pardon  me  troubling  you;  but 
if  I  cannot  get  my  rights  any  other  way,  I  must  send  for 
the  policeman. 

CORN.  I  fancy  the  Cook's  got  a  mortgage  on  him! 
(comes  down  L.) 

CAR.     (L.  c.)     What  is  it  you  want,  Miss  Mifton? 

MIFT.  (indignantly,  c.)  My  wearing  apparei,  Mrs. 
Dunn!  That  imposter  is  in  possession  of  my  trunk,  and 
is  still  wearing  some  of  my  dresses. 

HEL.    What  insufferable  impudence? 

CAR.     Have  you  asked  her  to  give  them  up? 

MIFT.  I  did  more  than  ask;  I  insisted;  I  commanded 
her  to  take  my  property  off  her  back;  and  she  replied, 
by  imploring  Artemis,  to  strike  me  dumb,  (puts  her 
hands  up  a-Za-NiOBE) 

HEL.     Artemis,  who? 

CORN.  Artemis  Ward,  of  course.  She  meant  it  in 
some  humorous  way,  probably. 

CAR.     (L.  c.)     What  a  vindictive  wretch  she  must  be. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  57 

MIFT.  (R.  c.)  The  most  annoying  part  of  it  is  she 
Avon't  lose  her  temper;  she  simply  waves  me  off,  and 
eays,  "  The  audience  hour  is  noon." 

CORN.  (L.)  A  new  way  of  implying  "At  home, 
Thursdays,  12  to  2." 

CAR.  Miss  Mifton,  will  you  please  he  patient,  and 
silent,  too;  endeavour  to  spare  us  the  pain  of  a  great 
scandal. 

MIFT.     You  may  rely  on  my  discretion,  Mrs.  Dunn. 

HEL.  Be  prepared  to  leave  with  us,  and  have  the 
•children  ready. 

MIFT.  I'll  do  my  best,  but  she  has  set  the  dear  pets 
against  me.  They  won't  leave  her  side. 

CAR.  (crosses  R.  to  HELEN)  Oh,  Helen,  this  is  the 
bitterest  blow  of  all. 

HEL.  (following  CARRIE  down  R.)  Don't  despair  Car- 
rie. Miss  Mifton  is,  as  yet,  new  to  them;  you  at  least 
•will  be  able  to  lure  the  darlings  from  the  pernicious 
influence. 

Crosses  to  table  and  gets  Jiand-bag. 

CORN,  (aside)  If  I  can  get  a  chance,  I'll  have  my 
little  business  out  with  Miss  Mifton  at  once. 

HEL.  (crossing  back  with  hand-bag)  We  will  see 
to  the  children  ourselves,  Miss  Mifton.  (crosses  R.  of 
CARRIE)  Come  Carrie,  we  must  first  send  to  a  Hotel 
and  secure  rooms!  The  very  air  here  seems  loathsome. 

HELEN  exits  with  CARRIE  R.  i.  E. 

CORN.    Yes,  there's  an  escape  of  gas  somewhere. 

MIFT.  (looks  after  CARRIE  and  HELEN — then  speaks 
down  R. — aside)  He's  here!  Now  is  my  opportunity 
to  endeavour  to  obtain  my  sister's  letters. 

CORN.  (L. — aside)  The  annoyance  she's  meeting  with 
•will  make  her  more  spiteful  to  me.  I  must  pacify  her 
the  first  thing,  (aloud)  We  deeply  regret  the  vile 
treatment  you  have  received.  I  myself  am  pained  be- 
yond measure  at  the  ignominy  you  have  suffered. 
(DUNN  enters  R.  u.  E.,  as  if  from  street,  with  paper  par- 
cel, puts  down  hat  on  cabinet,  up  R.)  And  if  it  were 
not  for  the  ties  of  relationship,  Mr.  Dunn  should  an- 
swer to  me  for  his  dastardly  conduct. 

DUNN,  (coming  down  c.)  Should  he?  If  you  will 
only  show  your  authority  for  questioning,  Mr.  Dunn  is 
prepared  with  unlimited  replies. 

CORN.  I  have  merely  the  authority  of  equity  and  com- 
mon justice. 


53  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

Duxx.     Justice  for  whom? 

During  following  scene  CORXEY  bullies  Duxx  very  con- 
siderably. 

CORX.     (L.  c.)     Justice  for  all. 

DUNN,  (c.)  That's  rather  a  large  order,  isn't  it? 
and  you  might  find  your  portion  of  it,  a  little  more 
than  you  bargained  for;  as  for  the  little  inconvenience 
Miss  Mifton  has  experienced 

MIFT.  (R.  c.)  It  is  no  small  matter,  Mr.  Dunn,  to 
have  your  trunk  seized  and  your  dresses  appropriated. 

CORN.     Even  her  very  name  has  been  stolen. 

DUNN.  How  do  you  know?  I  suppose  there  may  be 
other  Miftons?  (to  MIFTON)  You  don't  quite  claim  a 
monopoly  for  the  name,  do  you  Mifton? 

MIFT.  It's  a  remarkable  coincidence,  that  I  should 
find  a  person  of  my  name,  occupying  my  situation. 

DUNN.  You  were  so  long  coming  to  fill  it.  You  threw 
away  your  chances. 

MIFT.     I  merely  delayed  to  call  upon  some  friends. 

CORN,  (going  to  DUNN  c.)  The  fact  of  Miss  Mifton 
being  delayed  is  no  excuse  for  the  pretence. 

DUNX.  But  it  accounts  for  the  mistake.  We  had  en- 
gaged a  Miss  Mifton,  and  a  Miss  Mifton  came;  it  was 
a  case  of  first  come — first  serve. 

MIFT.  But  she  appears  here  in  my  tea  gown — she's 
wearing  my  clothes. 

DUNN.  That's  your  fault  again  for  sending  them  on. 
If  you  had  come  in  them,  it  couldn't  have  happened. 
And  there's  no  desire  to  keep  your  clothes.  The  lady 
will  get  some  made  with  all  possible  dispatch.  I  have 
here  samples  of  materials  that  I  have  obtained  for  her 
to  select  from,  (showing  parcel) 

N.  B. — This  parcel  contains  a  number  of  small  sample 
cuttings  of  dress  goods,  a  printed  measure  form  to 
fill  up,  tape  measure  and  pencil. 

CORX.    You  take  a  remarkable  interest  in  this  woman. 

DUXN.  The  interest  one  naturally  feels  for  the  un- 
protected. She  is  an  Orphan;  of  long  standing;  she 
is  misjudged  and  suffering  an  injustice. 

CORXEY  goes  up  to  window  L. 

MIFT.  (R.  c.)  You  are  strangely  blind  to  my  griev- 
ances, Mr.  Dunn.  You  engaged  me  as  Governess,  and  I 
came  here  to  teach  your  children. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  50 

DUNN,  (c.)  No!  No!  Let  us  be  correct.  You  came 
here  to  hunt  down  the  gay  deceiver — (indicating  COR- 
NKY,  ivho  comes  quickly  down  to  him  c.)  who  trifled 
with  the  young  affections  of  a  confiding  Mifton. 

CORN,  (aside  to  DUNN)  Don't  be  a  fool  Peter;  she'll 
put  up  the  damages,  a  couple  of  thousand,  on  a  remark 
like  that,  (aloud)  What  reason  have  you  to  suppose — 
who  could  have  told  you  such  was  the  object  of  the 
lady's  visit? 

DUNN,  (c.)  You  told  me  yourself,  and  asked  me  to 
speak  to  Miss  Mifton. 

CORN.     (L.  c.)     Not  that  one! 

DUNN.  But  you  meant  that  one.  Why,  the  other 
hasn't  had  a  sister  for  years  and  years.  And  it's  the 
sister  you  had  broken  off  with,  (goes  up  and  unties 
parcel  at  cabinet  R.  ) 

CORN.     (R. )     I  never  said  she  was  broken  off. 

MIFT.  (comes  down  R.  c.)  I  admit  I  took  the  en- 
gagement for  the  purpose,  if  it  proved  the  same,  of 
speaking  with  Mr.  Griffin  of  my  sister;  and  if  he  still 
loved  her,  to  prepare  him  for  the  worst. 

CORN,  (with  mock  grief)  What!  Is  she  dead?  My 
bonny  Ethel,  a  thing  of  the  past!  Oh! 

^  Falls  into  chair  R.  of  table. 

MIFT.  (crosses  to  CORNEY)  No!  No!  Not  that,  Mr. 
Griffin;  my  sister  still  lives. 

CORN,  (rises)  Oh,  I  see;  you  mean  the  worst  if  I 
refuse  to  compromise.  Of  course,  it  is  to  be  regretted 
that  mercenary  motives  should  creep  in,  where  once 
love  reigned.  And  your  case  is  not  a  strong  one,  Mr. 
Dunn  will  tell  you 

DUNN,  (at  table,  arranging  his  patterns  under  news- 
paper) No,  Mr.  Dunn  won't.  Don't  drag  me  into  your 
vile  deceptions.  I've  enough  to  worry  with  my  own. 

CORN.  Why  can't  Ethel  let  by-gones  be  by-gones;  she 
must  know  I  was  an  impressionable  young  jackass;  that 
we  never  could  be  happy  together,  at  least  I  couldn't, 
and  she  is  very  wrong,  very  wrong,  to  insist  on  marry- 
ing me. 

MIFT.  (c.)  She  does  not.  How  could  she  when  she 
is  already  married? 

CORN,  (bus.)  Married!  Oh,  Miss  Mifton — oh — 
(aside)  oh,  this  is  lovely!  (going  to  i..  corner) 

DUNN.     Oh,  what  luck  some  people  have? 

MIFT.  (c.)  I  came  to  plead  to  your  generosity;  her 
husband  believes  she  was  never  engaged  before!  She 


(JO  NIC-BE,  ALL  SMILES. 

dreads  you  might  disclose  her  deception,  and  expose  her 
letters. 

CORN.  Ah!  How  she  has  misjudged  me;  I  forgive 
her  freely;  she  shall  have  her  letters 

MIFT.     Thank  you! 

CORN.  In  exchange  for  mine,  of  course.  It  must  be 
a  sound  reciprocal  arrangement. 

MIFT.     Yes!     Yes!     I  have  them  in  my  trunk. 

CORN.  Good!  When  you  are  packing,  I  will  take 
them. 

DUNN,  (coming  down)  And  as  you  have  now  thor- 
oughly accomplished  the  object  of  your  coming,  Miss 
Mifton,  there  is  nothing  further  to  detain  you.  I  wish 
you  good  day.  (taking  her  hand)  I'm  sorry  you  had 
so  much  trouble,  but  compensation  will  of  course 

MIFT.  (withdrawing  her  hand,  indignantly,  and  go- 
ing R.)  You  are  mistaken,  Mr.  Dunn.  I  could  never 
consent  to  leave  the  ladies  in  their  distress. 

CORN,  (crosses  to  Miss  MIFTON)  That  sentiment 
does  you  credit,  Miss  Mifton!  Don't  be  intimidated,  I 
will  stand  by  you. 

MIFT.  \excitedly)  I  will  not!  (crosses  c.,  DUNN 
running  L.)  I  will  send  for  an  officer.  I  will  demand 
my  clothes — I  cannot  pack  my  dress  while  it  is  on  the 
back  of  that  person. 

v>        Going  hurriedly  R.  and  exits  R.  u.  E. 

CORN,  (following  her  up)  No!  have  it  off!  have  it 
off!  Send  for  the  police. 

DUNN.  (L.  c.)  Do  you  know  you're  spreading  insub- 
ordination, Cornelius  Griffin,  and  breeding  contempt  for 
me;  the  constituted  authority  of  this  house? 

CORN,  (returning  c.)  I  can't  help  that,  Peter,  I  must 
stand  up  for  the  innocent  and  oppressed. 

DUNN,  (c.)  Must  you!  How  long  has  this  wave  of 
virtuous  indignation  been  raging  along  your  seaboard? 

CORN.  (K.  c.)  For  several  minutes!  Aroused  by  the 
vile  treatment  of  poor  little  Mifton;  it  was  contemptible 
to  seize  her  trunk  and  pick  the  lock,  (goes  R.) 

DUNN,  (following  CORNEY  closely)  I  did  not.  I  only 
picked  the  key;  and  it  was  only  by  the  merest  chance 
that  it  fitted. 

CORN,  (backing  DUNN  to  c.)  But  you  have  the 
nerve  to  utilize  the  contents  of  the  said  trunk  to  deck 
-out  your  precious  beauty! 

Crosses  to  L.  it. 
DUNN,     (follows  CORNEY)     What  d'ye  mean  by  deck 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  Gl 

out?  She's  not  a  shop  window,  and  don't  call  her  my 
beauty,  I  have  never  made  any  special  claim  to  comeli- 
ness. 

CORN.     Oh,  come  Dunn!      (gets  L.  of  table) 

DUNN.     (R.  of  table)     Don't,  Oh  come  Dunn  me! 

CORN,  (turns  on  DUNN  across  table)  I  had  a  high 
opinion  of  you  once. 

DUNN,  (same  business)  I  never  had  a  high  opinion 
of  you  at  any  time. 

CORN.     I  was  mistaken. 

DUNN.  I  wasn't!  You're  no  good — you're  not  solid; 
you've  about  as  much  vertebral  support  to  you  as  a  rub- 
ber pipe;  you  haven't  the  pluck  to  stand  by  your  own 
torn-fooleries,  but  shift  the  blame  on  to  others. 

CORN,  (across  table)  You  never  will  understand 
how  necessary  it  is  for  me  not  to  worry.  The  doctor 
says  I  cannot  both  worry  and  live. 

DUNN,  (across  table)  Then  worry  and  die!  I've 
had  enough  of  this  scapegoat  business.  You  can  allot 
me  shares  in  a  newer  enterprise,  (sits  R.  of  table) 

CORN,  (crossing  behind  table  to  c.)  And  this  is 
your  gratitude  to  me  for  letting  you  down  easy? 

DUNN,     (turning  fiercely)     Letting  me  down  easy! 

CORN,  (c.)  Why  certainly!  Being,  so  to  say,  sul- 
lied with  my  smaller  vices  has  served  to  break  your  fall, 
hasn't  it?  If  you  had  possessed  a  spotless  reputation, 
the  effect  of  your  collosal  villainy  now  would  be  para- 
lyzing. 

DUNN,     (aghast)     My  collosal  villainy! 

CORN.  It's  bad  enough  as  it  is.  Carrie  has  washed 
her  hands  of  you;  they  are  preparing  to  depart. 

DUNN.     Preparing  to  depart!     What  for? 

CORN.  (R.  c.)  What  for?  You  must  see  that  I  can- 
not allow  my  sisters  to  remain  longer  under  your  roof. 
(turns  from  DUNN) 

DUNN.  Then  take  'em  away;  you  can  take  Helen 
away,  and  Hattie  too,  I  can  even  spare  Hattie,  but 
Carrie  ceased  to  be  your  sister  when  she  became  my 
wife;  she  is  going  to  remain,  (goes  to  low  chair  L.,  is 
about  to  sit) 

CORN,  (c.)  There!  I  said  you'd  be  agreeable  to 
that.  My  argument  was,  that  if  somebody  must  go,  it 
would  be  better  for  you  to  get  out. 

DUNN.     Better — for  me  to  get  out! 

CORN.  Yes!  You  have  only  one  trunk  to  pack!  The 
girls  have  two  each,  and  I  have  another,  that's  seven. 

DUNN.  Yes,  it's  seven  to  one  against  me;  but  I  de- 
cline to  be  the  outsider,  (sits  L.) 


£2  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

CORN.  Well,  don't  be  too  hasty  in  deciding — think  it 
'over.  I  shall  not  pack  my  traps  till  I  hear  from  you, 
and  I  rely  on  your  good  sense  to  show  you  the  value 
of  my  suggestions;  Peter,  you  nearly  worried  me  that 
time. 

CORNET  exits  R.  i.  D. 

DUNN.  Why!  Why  didn't  I  tell  the  truth  at  first, 
as  Niobe  suggested.  It  might  not  have  been  believed;  it 
wouldn't  have  been,  but  I  could  have  stuck  to  it  in- 
stead of  floundering  about,  and  getting  up  to  my  neck 
in  a  quicksand  of  equivocation,  (rises,  going  c. )  •  If  I 
can  only  get  a  dress  made  for  her  to  go  out  in,  I'll  send 
her  to  my  sister,  Mabel — who  would  believe  whatever 
I  might  tell  her.  (turns  to  table  back  to  audience) 

Enter  NIOBE  R.  u.  E. — comes  down  R.  c. 

Nio.  (not  seeing  DUNN  ichen  first  entering)  Ah  me! 
I  would  I  were  a  stone  again!  Anything  were  better 
than  to  suffer  such  indignities  as  now  I  meet.  Petra- 
mos!  you  will  remove  my  cares  as  Eos  lifts  the  sable 
pall  of  night. 

DUNN.  I  don't  know  anything  of  Knight's  pall.  Don't 
talk  undertaking  business.  What  is  it? 

Nio.  That  daughter  of  Athena  claims  these  robes, 
the  which  you  gave  me  yester  e'en. 

DUNN.  Oh  well,  for  the  sake  of  peace  give  them  to 
her.  Avoid  war  if  you  can.  There's  no  money  in  it. 
(goes  L.) 

Nio.  (following  Jiim  slightly  c.)  Why  yield  to  her 
when  we  might  ostracise  her? 

DUNN.  Because  she'll  call  in  the  police — if  she  hasn't 
already  done  so. 

Nio.  Perlice?  Is  that  some  portion  of  the  things 
we  wear? 

DUNN.  No,  no!  Police — the  Police — the  gentlemen 
v«-ho  guide  and  direct  us — of  whom  we  enquire  the  time 
— the  officers  of  justice.  They  keep  the  peace — where 
nobody  can  find  it  . 

Nio.  Ah,  the  custodians  of  law  and  order?  (DUNN 
nods  affirmatively)  Why,  we  have  but  to  fill  their  hands 
with  bribes.  ^ 

DUNN.  What!  They  were  the  same  in  the  old  time! 
We've  trouble  enough  in  the  house  without  getting  the 
police  in.  Of  course,  you  couldn't  foresee  the  mischief 
you  were  doing,  but  you've  ruined  me.  ( NIOBE  starts) 


NIOBE.  ALL  SMILES.  63 

Yes,  ruined  me.    My  wife  will  leave  me,  and  my  family 
be  scattered  to  the  fore  and  hind  quarters  of  the  globe. 

Crosses  R.  and  rests  head  against  side  of  screen. 

Nio.  (sees  and  takes  paper  knife  from  table)  If  I 
have  wrecked  your  pleasure,  let  me  die.  You  gave  new 
life  to  me;  'tis  yours,  take  it  away. 

Kneeling,  offering  paper  knife  with  outstretched  hands. 

DUNN.  With  a  paper  knife!  You  can't  remove  ex- 
istence in  that  off-handed  way.  You're  flesh  and  blood 
now  and  it  would  be  murder.  If  you  were  only  elec- 
trified back  to  stone  now,  if  you  were  only  stone  dead. 

Nio.  (rises — throws  knife  up  stage)  I'll  rouse  again 
the  wrath  of  High  Olympus,  (crosses  R.) 

DUNN,  (annoyed)  I've  told  you  the  firm  went  to 
smash  long  ago.  Do  be  rational.  You  must  go  and  give 
that  woman  her  frock.  Put  on  your  own  dress — your 
stone  dress,  till  we  can  get  you  one  made  to  go  out  in. 
(gets  back  of  table  a-la-shopman)  I  have  here  samples 
of  materials  and  a  choice  variety  of  colours  for  you  to 
;select  from,  (takes  newspaper  off  patterns) 

Nio.  Ah,  Petramos!  How  good  you  are?  (takes  up 
patterns  and  places  them  on  stage,  kneeling,  interested^ 
and  sorting  them) 

DUNN,  (coming  down  L.)  I  was  afraid  to  bring  the 
dressmaker  into  the  house,  but  I  have  full  instructions 
here  for  measuring  you.  (coming  down  L.  with  printed 
form,  taking  out  pencil  and  tape  measures,  which  he 
hangs  about  his  neck) 

Nio.  (on  stage  c.,  spreading  out  samples)  It  will  be 
hard  to  choose  from  such  a  store  of  prettiness. 

DUNX.  (placing  form  on  table)  Yes,  if  you'd  had 
about  two,  you  might  have  come  to  a  decision.  Don't 
scatter  them  about,  you  haven't  time  to  play  patience 
now.  I  suppose  it  doesn't  matter  much  where  I  begin 
on  her,  so  that  I  fill  up  the  form!  (he  measures  length 
of  back,  18,  crosses  to  table  and  writes  it  down)  18. 

Nio.    This  pink  and  grey  would  be  the  sweetest  match 
If  this  dress  is  the  fashion  it  becomes  me  well. 

DUNN,  (returning  to  R.  of  NIOBE)  Stand  up,  please — 
(placing  her  arm  to  measure  sleeve,  NIOBE  puts  arm  full 
up,  DUNN  goes  up  to  door  R.,  returns  to  NIOBE  and 
places  arm  in  position;  measures,  6.  13.  2-}.,  crosses  to 
table)  6.  13.  24. 

Nio.     (c.)     May  I,  too,  have  a  full  accordion  skirt? 


64  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

Duxx.  (coming  lack  to  R.  of  NIOBE)  Oh  yes,  with 
concertina  sleeves;  and  harmonican  puffs  if  you  like. 

Nio.  As  you  decide.  Whom  have  I  in  the  world  but 
you!  (going  to  embrace  Duxx,  as  he  places  arm  to 
measure  bust;  NIOBE  attempts  to  embrace  him  as  he 
puts  his  hand  around  to  measure  her;  Duxx  gets  the 
measurement  and  bobbing  under  arm,  goes  to  table) 

Duxx.     Thirty-nine,     (writes  thirty-nine) 

Nio.  Why  I  am  forty  times  as  old  as  you.  I  think 
that  grey  would  suit  me. 

Duxx.  (returns  to  c.  L.  of  NIOBE,  bringing  card  form 
with  him;  he  goes  to  measure  her  waist — she  embraces 
him  ad  lib.  He  falls  on  his  knees  and  takes  measure- 
ment) Waist  36.  (CARRIE  enters  R.;  NIOBE  gets  over  on 
his  L.;  he  measures  skirt  and  sees  CARRIE'S  foot,  she  hav- 
ing entered  during  business;  Duxx  falls  flat  on  stage, 
muttering  measurement  and  gathering  up  loose  patterns, 
pushing  them  into  his  vest. 

CAR.  (R.  c.,  indignantly  to  NIOBE)  I  had  some  busi- 
ness with  my  husband,  but  I  can  wait. 

Nio.  (L.  c.)  Oh  no!  We  would  not  have  you  wait. 
He's  here  and  you  may  speak. 

CAR.  (R.)  You're  too  gracious.  I  came,  Peter,  un- 
known to  Helen,  to  see  if  you  could  not  remove  my 
doubts;  and  I  find  you,  as  usual,  in  open  unblushing 
companionship  with  this  woman. 

Duxx.  Open!  Yes  open!  There  is  no  deception. 
None.  ( rising) 

CAR.    You  loved  me  once,  Peter. 

Nio.  (crosses  to  CARRIE)  He  loves  you  still.  His 
heart  is  yours;  you  cannot  grudge  me  a  little  corner 
in  it. 

Duxx.  (at  table,  putting  doivn  patterns)  She  wants 
a  corner  on  it. 

CAR.  How  can  I  bear  this  infamous  creature's  inso- 
lence. 

Duxx.  Carrie,  you  don't  understand;  she's  not  in- 
famous. 

CAR.     You   defend  her! 

Duxx.     I'd  defend  anyone  who's  unjustly  accused. 

CAR.  (crying  R.)  If  you  are  bewitched,  confess  it; 
say  you  are  under  the  spell  of  this  fair  Siren. 

Nio.  (crying  c.)  The  Siren's  lured  Odysseus  with 
melody  and  song.  I  have  not  played  or  sung  here  to 
Petramos. 

Duxx.  Now  they're  both  at  it.  Here's  a  chance  for 
the  gods!  Carrie,  there's  no  spell  in  the  business. 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILEb.  C5 

CAR.  (R.)  Ah!  Why  do  I  protest.  I  might  have  ex- 
pected it. 

Drxx.  (crossing  to  CARRIE)  I  did  expect  it.  The 
moment  I  saw  her,  I  knew  you  would  object  to  her  being 
here. 

CAR.  What  self-respecting  wife  would  not?  (cries 
at  screen) 

Drxx.  (going  to  seat  L.  corner)  Now  we're  all  at  it. 
(sits)  I  knew  it  was  useless  to  say  who  she  was,  or 
how  she  came. 

Nio.  (c. )  He  feared  the  truth,  tho'  I  advised  it. 
Truth  might  have  worked  more  mischief. 

Drxx.  No!  truth  couldn't!  But  what's  the  use  of 
a  truth  which  seemed  like  throwing  down  the  gauntlet 
to  Annanias. 

CA.R.  (crosses  to  PETER)  Oh  Peter!  Confess  you 
were  beguiled  and  I'll  forgive  you.  (talcing  his  face  in 
her  hands,  turns  his  head  towards  her) 

Drxx.  I  cannot  criminate  myself  by  owning  up  to 
what  doesn't  belong  to  me.  If  you  had  been  here  wher 
she  arrived — if  you  had  spen  how  she  came,  it  would 
have  been  all  right;  you  would  understand  that — (rises) 
that  she  is  no  more  to  me — than  a  sister  I  have  not  seen 
for  years. 

Goes  up  c.  to  fireplace. 

Nso.  (R.  c.)  He  was  near  when  I  first  drew  my 
breath!  But  him  in  the  wide  world  I  have  no  one,  he 
is  my  guardian,  my  protector. 

C\R.  (crosses  c. )  Ah,  how  blind  I've  been,  (goes  to 
Drxx  and  brings  him  down  L.  of  her)  Forgive  me, 
Peter,  for  having  doubted.  Why  did  you  not  say  she  was 
your  sister? 

Drxx.     Why!     I  never  thought  of  it. 

CAR.  (to  NIOBE)  You,  too,  must  forgive  me,  and  let 
me  call  you  Sister.  (Drxx  smiling) 

Nio.  Oh  yes,  that  will  be  sweet.  I  have  wanted  so 
much  to  love  you,  but  you  would  not  let  me. 

CVR.  (arms  around  NIOBE)  I  might  have  known  you 
would  wish  to  be  near  Peter.  Though  he  never  said  so; 
and  what  a  resemblance!  Come,  Peter  dear,  kiss  your 
sister.  And — Helen  thought  different. 

Duxx.  Helen  would,  (beck  at  table,  putting  away, 
hiding  patterns) 

CAR.  I  was  to  blame  for  neglecting  Peter's  kindred. 
I  knew  of  your  existence,  that  is  all.  What  is  your 
name,  dear? 


66  N1OBE,   ALL  SMILES. 

DUNN,      (at  back,  trying  to  stop  her)     Mab 

Nio.      (not  hetding  UI.NN)     My  name  is  Niobe! 
DUNN,     (goes  down  L.  )     She  conceals  nothing.     She's 
altogether  too  guileless  for  this  nineteenth  century. 

Enter  HELEN  and  HATTIE  from  dining-room  R.  i.  E. 

CAR.  Sister  Niobe!  (embracing  her  and  putting  her 
over  c.)  Helen!  (crosses  to  HELEN)  We  have  wronged 
Peter;  ice  are  to  blame.  She  is  his  sister. 

HEL.      (severely)     Sister! 

HAT.     Peter's  Sister! 

(together) 

CAR.  And  if  we  had  not  kept  her  a  stranger  to  our 
circle,  her  coming  would  not  have  caused  all  this  anx- 
iety. 

HEL.  (nastily  spofcen)  I  always  said,  if  she  came 
there  would  be  trouble. 

HAT.  (crosses  to  NIOBE,  R.  c.)  Peter's  sister.  Well, 
you're  not  a  bit  like  him.  You're  altogether  too  scrump- 
tious for  anything. 

Nio.  (c. )  Though  I  am  ignorant  of  what  "scrump- 
tious "  means,  your  manner  tells  me  it  is  something 
good. 

HAT.      (L.  c.)     You  bet  your  boots  it  is. 

HEL.     (R.)     Hattie! 

HAT.  (sharply)  Don't  you  interfere.  We're  going 
to  run  our  new  sister  on  our  own  lines,  aren't  we  Carrie? 

Nio.  You  have  my  sympathy — (pointing  to  HELEN)  — 
that  she  claims  kinship  with  you. 

HELEN    turns  indignantly   from  NIOBE. 

HAT.  Oh,  you  are  a  funny  old  thing.  And  say,  Ni', 
won't  you  tell  me  how  you  dress  your  hair  like  that? 
(round  to  L.  of  NIOBE) 

Nio.  I  cannot  tell  you  that;  my  tiring  women  dressed 
it.  It  is  as  it  was  left  three  thousand  years  ago. 

General  surprise. 

OMNES.     Three  thousand  years! 

DCNN.  (crossing  in  front  to  c.)  Ha! — Er — that's  a 
quotation;  you  know  the  quotation  "Rode  the  three 
thousand."  (goes  up  c.) 

Enter  MARY,  R.,  from  halhcay,  n.  c. 

MARY,  (to  NIOBE)  Miss  Mifton  wants  to  know  if 
she's  ever  goin'  to  get  her  clothes? 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  07 

DUNN.  Yes,  yes!  Of  course!  (to  NIOBE)  Go!  Go! 
and  give  her  dress  back  by  all  means,  (goes  up) 

MARY  exits  R. 

HAT.  Bother  her  shabby  old  clothes!  You  can  have 
some  of  my  dresses. 

CAR.     Or  mine.     You  are  about  my  figure. 

Nio.  I  am  pleased  you  are  so  shapely.  Cleophas 
thought  that  I  was  well  nigh  faultless. 

CAR.     Who's    Cleophas? 

HAT.     (quickly,  R.  c. )     Is  he  your  mash? 

DUNN,  (going  down,  pushes  HATTIE  aicay)  Never 
mind  him.  He's  a  fellow  we  met  at  the  races,  (to 
NIOBE — aside)  Be  quiet  and  do  as  I  tell  you  or  you'll 
spoil  all.  (c~"s  over  to  window) 

Xio.  (gradually  working  up)  Ah  no!  Fear  not! 
(coming  down  c. )  I  cannot  take  the  robes  you'd  kindly 
loan  me,  but  I  am  touched  no  less  with  all  your  love 
and  moved  to  the  relief  of  melting  tears. 

NIOIJI:  exits  crying,  off  R.  c.  up  stairs;  CARRIE  up  c.,  looks 
after  NIGUE;  HATTIE  goes  up  R.  c.,  and  exits  after 
NIOBE. 

Drxx.  (coming  down  L.)  At  it  again.  Kindness  or 
cruelty,  care  or  neglect,  all  melt  her  alike. 

Door  bell. 

CAR.     Poor,  tender  hearted  darling. 

HEL.  (down  R.)  Irrigating  Crocodile!  She's  a  huge 
sham — mark  my  words,  we  shall  live  to  regret  her  com- 
ing. 

Duxx.  (goes  a  little  towards  HELEX)  There's  no  oc- 
casion for  you,  to  live  here  to  regret  it.  If  you  feel  you 
could  bear  it  better  somewhere  else,  don't  let  us  keep 
you.  (goes  L.) 

Enter  BEATRICE  R.,  from  hallway,  advances  with,  HATTIE. 

HAT.  (R.  c.)  Bea!  What  do  you  think?  Such  a  sur- 
prise; Miss  Mifton,  the  first  Miss  Mifton  is — 

Duxx.  (L.  )  Hattie,  my  dear,  be  quiet.  Miss  Sil- 
locks  is  not  interested  in  our  family  surprises. 

BEA.  (R.  c.)  Oh  yes  I  am!  Especially  as  I  have  one 
of  my  own. 

CAR.     For    whom? 


CS  MODE,   ALL  SMILES. 

BEA.  For  all  of  you!  Papa  has  always  imagined,  as 
Mr.  Dunn's  sister  never  visited  him,  that  there  was  some 
kind  of  estrangement. 

HAT.  Yes!  And  her  papa  was  determined  to  get 
Peter's  sister  over  on  a  visit,  and  give  them  the  chance 
to  kiss  and  be  friends. 

BEA.  That's  it!  And  he  has  just  received  a  telegram 
to  say  she  will  come. 

HEL.  AND  CAR.      (R.  and  R.  c.)     Who  will  come? 

BEA.     (c.)     Mr.  Dunn's  sister,  Mabel! 

HEL.     Mabel? 

CAR.     Niobe! 

DUNN.  Niobe — Niobe  Mabel  Dunn — she  has  several 
names.  Those  are  the  two  front  ones — Miobe,  Nabel, 
Dunn. 

BEA.  Mabel;  tho'  papa  says  they  always  called  her 
Gypsy,  she  was  so  dark. 

CAR.     Dark!! 

HEL.     (rises)     Dark?     She  is  fair! 

BEA.  and  HATTIE  go  up  c.  in  front  of  fireplace;  CARRIE 
up  to  opening  c. 

DUNN,  (c.)  Yes,  she  is  fair  now.  I  tried  to  keep 
her  dark,  but  I  couldn't,  (going — drops  in  chair  ex- 
treme L.) 

Enter  CORNEY  from  dining-room. 

HEL.  (advances  c.)  I  knew  it — another  fraud  un- 
veiled. 

CORX.     (R.)     What  is  it?    What's  the  new  discovery? 

HEL.  (c. )  He,  this  monster  of  martial  iniquity,  has 
been  blinding  us  with  new  and  more  daring  falsehoods. 
He  declared  that  this  woman  was  his  sister. 

DUNN.     Never!      Never!      I   never  declared  it. 

HEL.  (crosses  L.  c.  to  table)  See  how  he  cowers,  for 
he  stands  confessed.  Fate,  in  the  person  of  Beatrice 
Sillocks,  has  hunted  him  down. 

CORX.  Bea,  in  a  new  role.  The  guardian  angel  of 
innocence,  (crosses  L.  to  DUNN) 

HAT.  (down  c.)  Perhaps  he  has  two  sisters!  (Drxx 
u-ith  a  gleam  of  hope  rises)  Why  not,  there  are  two 
Miss  Miftons!  (CORXEY  meets  DUNN'S  gaze) 

CORN.     No! 

DUNN.     No? 

CORN.     No,  no! 

DUNN.     No,  no!      (drops  in  chair  again) 

CORN.     No!  no!     That's  played  out.     Even  Peter,  with 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  69 

all  his  impudence,  wouldn't  set  up  that  defence,  (goes 
up  to  fire  to  BEATRICE) 

CAR.     (advances  to  R.  c.)     She  is  not  your  sister? 

DUNN.     No!      No! 

HAT.     (L.  c.)     Oh,   Peter! 

HEL.  Hattie!  Leave  the  room;  these  disclosures  are 
unfit  for  your  ears. 

HATTIE  crosses  front  to  R. 

COKX.  (bringing  BEATRICE  doicn  R.  c.)  And  take 
Beatrice  from  the  moral  poison  of  his  presence. 

HAT.  We'll  hear  all  about  it  afterwards,  so  it  doesn't 
make  any  difference.  (HATTIE  exits  with  BEATIIK  i: 
R.  i.  K.  ) 

COKX.  (goes  towards  PETER  in  front  of  table  L.  c.) 
Now  Peter  Amos  Dunn!  As  my  sister's  brother,  I  am 
bound  to  bring  it  to  your  notice,  that  one  of  us,  either 
your  party  or  our  party,  must  leave  this  house.  And, 
I  think  your  best  course  is  to  leave  us  in  possession  of 
the  home  you  are  no  longer  fit  to  occupy. 

Di  NX  (rises)  It's  my  home,  and  I  suit  it  to  myself. 
(desperately.  CORXEY  backs  a  little  c.) 

HEL.     Leave  him  to  me,   Corney!      (going  to  Duxx) 

Drxx.  Yes,  ao!  Her  sex  gives  her  a  protection  you 
haven't  got. 

CAR.  (R.  c. )  Peter,  why,  oh  why  did  you  say  she 
was  your  sister? 

DUNN,  (crossing  to  CARRIE)  I  didn't!  It  never  oc- 
curred to  me  or  I  might.  You  yourself  said  she  was  my 
sister,  and  I  know  you  hate  to  be  contradicted. 

CAR.  (R.  c.)  But  she  gave  her  consent  to  the  fraud. 
She  let  me  call  her  sister. 

Drxx.  (R.  c.)  Oh,  what  of  that!  I've  called  many 
a  girl  sister  before  I  married  you. 

CAR.  This  woman  admitted  that  you  were  her  guar- 
oian  and  protector. 

Drxx.  Well,  in  a  sense  I  am.  I'm  responsible  for 
her.  She's  purely  a  matter  of  business.  She  was  turned 
over  to  me  to  take  care  of,  and  when  he's  ready  for  her 
he'll  take  her  away. 

HEL.     What  disgusting  levity! 

CAR.     Who  will  take  her  away? 

DUNN.  Why  Tompkins!  She's  his  property,  not 
mine. 

CORN,  (advancing  c.)  Tompkins!  Isn't  this  a  branch 
of  business  which  ought  not  to  be  intruded  on  the  home 
circle? 


70  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

DUNN.  (c1.)  Don't  I  know  that?  But  Tompkins  set 
such  store  by  her,  I  had  to  oblige  him  and  bring  her 
here,  (crosses  to  low  seat  L.  ) 

HEL.  (rises)  Then  weak  as  you  are  to  shield  an- 
other person's  infamy  at  the  cost  of  insulting  your  fam- 
ily, you  are  a  spotless  infant  compared  to  Tompkins. 

CAR.  Mr.  Tompkins  must  never  set  foot  in  this  house 
again. 

CORN,  (c.)  Say  the  word  and  I'll  kick  Tompkins 
out  every  time  he  comes. 

Enter  MARY  from  halhtay  R.  from  L. 
MARY.     Mr.  Tompkins!      (MARY  exits) 
CORXEY  goes  quickly  to  R.  corner :  enter  TOMPKINS  R.  u.  E. 

DUNN.  How  d'ye  do,  Tompkins?  If  you'll  come  to 
my  room 

HEL.  (putting  DUNN  back,  Tie  falls  into  chair)  Let 
Mr.  Tompkins  first  hear  the  opinion  of  the  ladies,  whose 
sense  of  delicacy  he  has  outraged. 

TOMP.     (c. )     What's  the  matter,  Dunn? 

DUNN.     Nothing!      Nothing!      Don't  take   any   notice. 

HEL.  He  must  take  notice,  and  apologize  to  ladies 
or  irreproachable  character — though  it  is  scarcely  to  be 
expected  from  one  so  utterly  depraved. 

TOMP.  I  haven't  an  idea  what  I'm  supposed  to  have 
done,  but  few  of  us  have  past  lives,  wholly  free  from 
blame.  Even  you,  Miss  Griffin,  may  have  something  to 
regret. 

HEL.  What  dare  you  insinuate?  It  is  not  true!  Who 
could  have  told  you?  I — I — 

DUNN.  It's  right!  It's  right!  Tompkins  has  found 
it  all  out — Helen's  down — and  I  can't  triumph — I 
haven't  a  crow  left  in  me.  (goes  up  L.  to  fire  c.) 

HEL.  Even  for  your  sake  Carrie,  I  cannot  remain 
here  to  be  insulted. 

CAR.  Is  not  Corney  here  to  protect  you?  (comes 
flown  R.  c. ) 

CORN.  To  be  sure,  tricks  of  this  kind  won't  help  you, 
Tompkins,  and  we  must  ask  you  to  take  her  away,  if 
you  have  not  the  decency  to  apologise  for  her  pres- 
ence. 

TOMP.     (c.)     Whose  presence?    Who's  shef 

CORN.     (R.)     The  woman  you  brought  here. 

TOMP.     I  brought! 

CORN.     The  Governess! 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  71 

HEL.     (L. )     Dunn's  sister! 

CAR.     (R.   c.)     Miss   Mifton! 

TOMP.     (R.  c.)     There  are  three  of  them? 

Duxx.     They're  all  one! 

CAR.  (advancing  to  TUMPKIXS)  Mr.  Dunn  says  she 
was  brought  here  to  oblige  you. 

TOMP.     Dunn   says   that — (goes   up   to   Duxx) 

Duxx.  (crouching  on  stool  by  fire)  Yes,  I  did,  but 
it's  a  lie — a  waacking  lie!  I'm  trying  to  break  a  record 
—I  started  in  without  thinking  and  Heaven  only  knows 
where  I  shall  end. 

TOMP.     Is  this  meant  for  a  joke,  Mr.  Dunn? 

Duxx.  That's  it!  I  never  thought  of  it  before,  but 
it's  a  joke.  Ha!  Ha! 

TOMP.  I  fail  to  appreciate  it,  Sir;  but  fortunately  my 
business  with  you  will  soon  be  over  and  our  acquaint- 
ance can  em"  Trith  it.  I  have  come  to  take  away  my 
Statue.  (co»ics  down  c.) 

CARRIE  crosses  to  L. 

Duxx.     His  Statue!     The  last  straw! 

TOMP.  I  find  my  place  is  ready,  and  the  men  are 
here  to  move  it. 

Duxx.     Move  it!     You  can't  move  it! 

Coux.  (R.)  Why  not?  It's  only  a  question  of  hav- 
ing enough  men. 

TOMP.  I  have  a  score,  and  they  will  exercise  every 
care  in  getting  it  out. 

Duxx.  Care's  of  no  use,  and  a  hundred  men  couldn't 
get  the  Statue  out!  It  isn't  here. 

TOMP.     Not  here! 

OMXES.     Not  here! 

TOMP.     What  do  you  mean? 

HEL.     The  figure  has  not  been  moved. 

CORX.  (R. )  It's  here  in  the  screen  right  enough,  it 
couldn't  fly  out  of  the  window,  (opening  screen)  Gone! 

OMXES.     Gone!!! 

TOMP.     Nothing  but  the  Pedestal! 

Duxx.  (advancing  R.  c.)  Didn't  I  tell  you  so?  Do 
you  think  I  am  incapable  of  ever  speaking  the  truth? 

TOMP.  But  wnere  is  it?  Where!  What  is  your  ex- 
planation? 

Duxx.     I  haven't  got  one!      (falling  into  chair  B.) 

CORX.  Absurd!  Make  a  break  at  something,  (cross- 
ing up  stage  and  down  and  sits  on  table) 

TOJIP.     (c.)     Stupendous  misfortune!     You  can  have 


1%  NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

no  conception  of  the  awfulness  of  your  avowal — you  can- 
not realize  my  loss. 

Di  NX.     I  can  realize  the  loss  it  is  to  our  Company! 

To  MI'.  What  is  filthy  lucre?  No  money  on  earth  can 
compensate  me  for  its  destruction. 

CAR.     (L.  c.)     Be  calm,  Mr.  Tompkins! 

HEL.      (R.  of  table  L.  c. )     It  will  be  found  no  doubt. 

TOM  P.  Calm!  With  such  a  treasure  gone!  Ah!  You 
know  nothing  of  the  halo  of  romance  that  surrounds 
that  figure.  It  was  no  ordinary  piece  of  statuary. 
There  is  a  legend  that  no  mortal  hand  carved  or  chis- 
elled it.  It  is  believed  to  be  the  actual  petrifaction  of 
the  identical  once  living  Niobe,  wife  of  Amphion,  King 
of  Thebes. 

Duxx.  (jumping  up)  What!  Niobe  herself!  And 
you  believe  the  story?  You  do! 

TOMP.  Why  should  I  doubt  the  possibility  of  human 
petrifaction? 

Duxx.  (rushing  at  TOMPKIXS,  taking  his  hand\ 
Bless  you,  Tompkins!  Bless  you!  Now  7  can  be  be- 
lieved! (crosses  to  others  L.  c. )  The  truth  seemed  so 
preposterous  before,  I  dared  not  tell  it.  But  now — oh — 
Tompkins!  Tompkins!  (embracing  TOMPKIXS) 

TOMP.     (pushing  him  away)     Why  this  excitement? 

Duxx.  (going  back  R.  )  Because  she,  Niobe  herself, 
from  the  time  immediately  after  the  Trojan  war,  who 
was  there  in  the  stone,  has  come  to  life! 

OMXES.     Come  to  life! ! ! 

Duxx.  (on  pedestal)  The  uncovered  electric  wires 
imparted  some  vital  current  to  the  system,  which  roused 
the  dormant  principle  of  respiration  and  circulation,  un- 
petrified  her  limbs  and  she  is  alive;  alive,  oh!  (goes  L. ) 

Music. 

TOMP.     (R.  c.)     Mirabile  Dictu!      (goes  to  R.  corner) 
Duxx.     Call    it   what   you   like,   Tompkins,   you   can't 
alter  it.     Ah!     She  is  here! 

NIOBE  enters  R.  c.  as  Statue,  coming  down  c. ;  ichite  lime 
on  NIOBE. 

Nio.     (c.)     Petramos,  I  have  obeyed  you. 
TOMP.     (R.)     The  same  sweet  face! 
CAR.     (up  c.)     The  same  features! 
HEL.     (L.)     The  same  Costume! 

Nio.  (c.)  You  stare  most  strangely!  What  does 
your  wonder  mean? 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES.  73 

DUNN.  (R.  c.)  It  means,  they  have  heard  the  truth 
and  believe  it. 

TOM  P.     Niobe!      (hands  out) 

Nio.     (seeing  TOMPKINS)     What  man  is  this? 

DUNN.  Your  owner.  The  man  who  paid  great  treas- 
ure to  purchase  you  to  adorn  his  home. 

Nio.     Am  I  then  his  slave? 

TOMP.     Say  rather  I  am  yours. 

NIOBE  advances  c.;   TOMPKINS  to  Tier  as  DUNN  goes  up 
to  CARRIE — reconciliation  business. 

TOMP.     Oh  filtatese  gewnaikos  omma  kai  dommas, 

ekk  s'aelptose,  oupot  opsesthai,  dokone. 
Nio.     Ekkeis  fthonosdy  mee  genoito  tone  theone. 

They  turn  back  to  audience,  TOMPKINS  half  embracing 
her;  enter  SILLOCKS,  BEATRICE,  HATTIE  and  INNINGS 
B.,  from  hallway. 

SILL,  (up  R.  c.)  Hallo!  What's  this?  A  fancy  dress 
ball? 

CORN.  (L.)  Oh  no!  A  new  metamorphosis  for  a  mod- 
ern Ovid.  This  lady  is  the  real  article,  warranted  three 
thousand  years  in  bottle. 

SILLOCKS  and  BEATRICE  cross  to  L.,  and  NIOBE  and  TOMP- 
KINS go  up  c. 

HAT.     (L.)     Oh,  Corney,  what  a  stretch! 
INN.     (down  L.)     Why,  she's  the  exact  counterpart  of 
the   Statue. 

TOMPKINS   and  NIOBE  go  up  c.  and  face  audience. 

CAR.     (R.  c.)     She  is  the  Statue! 

SILL,     (up  L.  c. )     What  does  it  mean? 

DUNN.  (L.  of  CARRIE)  It  means  that  Tompkins  has 
no  longer  an  Antique  excuse  for  living  single. 

TOMP.     (L.  of  NIOBE)     It  means,  he  does  not  want  one. 

DUNN.  (R.  c. )  She'll  make  you  an  excellent  wife, 
Tompkins,  combining  all  the  charm  of  youth  with  a 
long  worldly  experience. 

Nio.     (c. )     Farewell,  Petramos! 

DUNN.     Good  bye! 

Nio.     Good  bye  to  all. 

NIOBE  TO  AUDIENCE: 


NIOBE,  ALL  SMILES. 

I  know  you  may  expect  me,  from  the  strain 
Of  such  like  plays,  to  turn  to  stone  again, 
But   life   is  sweet,  and   faults   if   you'll   forgive 
Sans  tears,  all  smiling  Niobe  will  live. 


MUSIC. 
CURTAIN. 


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